


The Watcher Watch Diary '98

by Gilescandy



Category: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Diary/Journal, Gen, descriptions of rape, descriptions of torture
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-16
Updated: 2013-08-16
Packaged: 2017-12-23 15:49:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 3
Words: 29,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/928312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gilescandy/pseuds/Gilescandy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Timeline:  Summer after season 2 (Becoming 1&2).</p><p>Summary:  Sometimes Giles wasn't the only one keeping a journal.</p><p> </p><p>Awards:  Winner, Most Original - Absence of Light Awards (round 4).</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. May '98

**Author's Note:**

> This is a precursor to ideas mentioned in Lover's Knot and The Party. It would have happened in the same verse.
> 
> First posted for Summer of Giles 2012.

The Watcher Watch Diary ‘98

5/22/98 - Willow Rosenberg

I’m making this first entry in the book, well, because this is all my plan, and I want to make sure everyone knows what it’s for. This afternoon, after Xander and Cordy drive Giles home, I’ve called a meeting of the remaining Scoobies. We’ve all seen Giles doing his best, but anyone that even cares a little bit can see how much he’s struggling. During the meeting, I will outline the plan to help him, and those who want to will put it into action. Details of the meeting will be in the next entry.

This diary is to serve two purposes. First, it’s to record everything that needs to be done for Giles. That way, we won’t forget anything important. These notes will also include our observations. Anything we see that will help each other care for him. We’ve already discovered a couple ways to help reduce the stress he feels. This way we can share information without the risk of him overhearing us talk, and hopefully he won’t discover what we’re doing and fight against us.

The second purpose is to give us a place to write down our feelings if we need to. I have no doubt we all care about Giles, and it will only be those of us that do who will use this book. It’s hard for us to even wrap our heads around what he’s gone through. And, in order to help him, we’ll have to open ourselves up to more than we may be ready for. Try to remember, WE’RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER. We’re doing this for Giles. Just think of what he’s been willing to do for all of us.

5/22/98 - Watcher-Watcher’s Meeting 1

Notes taken by: Oz

Attendees: Oz, Willow, Xander, Cordelia.

Minutes:

Willow calls the meeting to order. Goes over why we’re here.

Four days ago the library was attacked by vampires led by Drusilla. In the attack, Kendra was killed, Xander’s right arm was broken, Willow was crushed by a bookcase, she suffered head trauma and some bad bruising, and Giles was taken. Since then, we’ve sent Kendra’s body home to be buried. Xander is doing well with his arm. Willow is healing quickly, should be out of the wheelchair very soon.

Giles… We’ve found out that after he was taken, Angelus spent the whole night torturing him. The next morning, Xander went with Buffy and pulled him out while she fought the vamps. Giles is why we’re here. While the rest of us are recovering, he looks worse everyday. Buffy’s gone now. Nobody has heard from her since that morning. He’s worried about her. And we’re all worried about him. Earlier, Willow mentioned a touch of insomnia due to nightmares, and Giles commiserated. She’s sure he hasn’t slept since it all happened.

In order to get the best possible information to care for him, Willow and I hacked into his hospital records. We were looking for the medications he’s supposed to be taking. At this time, Willow has only listed some of the injuries described in his file for the group. I’ll admit, even I can’t imagine what that monster did to give him every injury they had to treat. Willow has stopped.

I’m pretty sure this is the first meeting I’ve been to where it was necessary to call a recess so everyone could cry.

Medications: (Simplified here for easy reference.)  
Big Blue Caplets: For pain. Recommended to be taken every four hours, or as needed. We all know he’s not taking them and will likely fight us about it. (If you find a good trick, write it down!)

Big White Capsule: Anti-inflammatory. To be taken every four hours with the pain meds to help his joints heal.

Big White Round: Anti-biotic. Take one twice a day until gone. These might be the ones he takes without a problem. They must be afraid of an infection.

Little Yellow Round: Anti-anxiety. Recommended to take as need. Not sure yet why these were prescribed. Will need to find out.

Little White Round: For upset stomach. Take twice daily. To help with damage from the other drugs.

Medium Red Oval: For Sleep. Take before bed. Make him take these! Find some way to get them into him. Even if he doesn’t know. (Share helpful tricks.)

 

The Plan:

School lasts one more week. He does well in the library, but after that he’s going to need us. We don’t leave him alone. Someone will always happen to be around when he needs to go somewhere to help drive him. Also, we will find excuses to stay the night with him. Every night until we know he’s all right. This will be done alone or in pairs, as we fear too many at once will overwhelm him or give us away. We will do what needs to be done. It’s almost certain he won’t ask for, or even want, our help. So we have to be subtle but forceful. He won’t like it. Too bad!

Giles needs us.

Call for show of hands: those willing to enact the plan and be on call.

List of Official Watcher-Watchers:

Willow Rosenberg

Xander Harris

Daniel Osborne

Cordelia Chase

Meeting adjourned.

5/22/98 - Xander

Ok. The meeting just ended and Willow asked me to make the next entry in this book. I’m supposed to write about the last three days. So, I guess, here’s how it all went down.

After the library got hit, I came to in the hospital and they fixed up my arm. Willow was in a coma and the cops were looking for Buffy. It wasn’t ‘til Cordy showed up that we figured out something bad was going down with Giles. When Buffy finally called and filled us in, Willow was awake and hell bent on re-doing that damn spell. I went after Buffy to help her finally take down Angel.

It was my job to find Giles and get him out. While Buffy fought the vamps, that’s what I did. When I found him… I’m glad none of the girls were with me. Not that they couldn’t have taken it, but no one should have to see someone they care about like that. When I first made it into the room they had him in, I thought my heart stopped. He was tied to that chair with his head down, and so pale and very still. I thought I was too late. I thought I was about to be dragging a body out of that god-dammed house. But, then he moved and moaned, and it was all I could do to make my muscles do what they had to. I can’t even describe here what it smelled like in there… What it felt like… All I wanted to do was hurl.

It might be important for you guys to know that when he saw me, at first, he didn’t believe I was really there. He said that they made him see things. Things he wanted to see. I said the first stupid thing that came into my head, but it worked. I untied him and got him out past the fight.

We got as far down the street as we could, but Giles really couldn’t walk and he’s too heavy for me to carry far. Luckily, I was able to wave down a car. The nice lady bought the story that my uncle was attacked and helped me get him to the hospital.

They made me wait out in the hall while they checked him over. Most of me was glad. The big guy had enough to worry about without me breaking down in front of him. I thought I was going to make it, stay strong, but then I heard the scream. I’ve never heard Giles scream before. We’ve all seen him take plenty of crap, but he never screamed. I’ve never heard anyone scream like that. It was the kind of sound you make when you have nothing left to make sound with. You know what I mean? But it echoed around me. I didn’t have any knees anymore and ended up on the floor crying. That’s where Cordy found me. She didn’t laugh or make a joke. She just held me. When the nurse came out, she took pity and told us that they had to put Giles’ hip back into joint and it was a very painful process. The bastard dislocated his hip! I didn’t even know that was possible.

A few minutes, or hours, it was all a nightmare blur, later, they wheeled him by on a gurney. He had to go into surgery to get his left hand put back together. Me and Cory went to wait in Willow’s room. When he came back out, a nice nurse let me go sit with him. I could tell she didn’t believe the uncle story, but she took pity on me. Besides, she said, “it would only do him good to see a familiar face when he came out of the anasti”—you know, when he woke up.

When he finally did, he asked me one question, “Where’s Buffy?” You all know I love Buffy, but the longer she’s gone, the more I want to… I don’t know, but Giles and her mom don’t deserve this.

You guys could probably hear what happened next from Willow’s room. It took a couple hours for the grogginess to wear off, then it was all ‘enough of this’ and going mad-Watcher on the hospital staff. Those poor doctors… had no idea how bad they were out matched in that battle of wills.

The pain was so bad, he didn’t even fight it when I went over to help him get dressed. Maybe he was just too busy arguing with everyone else to notice me. That same nice nurse showed up with a bag of all his meds while the docs were still trying to make him stay. Guess she knew a lost battle when she saw it. Finally, they got down to saying he needed a wheelchair for his hip. The big guy made them get him a crutch. We all know how bullheaded Giles can be, but at that time, watching it made me want to hug him, just because I knew at least part of him was still as strong as it ever was. Between the crutch and my shoulder he was up and mobile again. The first place he asked me to lead him was Willow’s room. You guys know what happened there, hugs, tears, worrying… Then Cordy drove me and Giles to his place.

The next day was Monday. We assumed he would skip school, but he made it clear he wasn’t going to. We talked him into letting us pick him up in the morning. The fact his car was still at the school made that argument easier.

Back to that night, we were so worried about him. At least the hospital got all the filth from that terrible place off him when they took him in for surgery. I’m not sure what we would have done if he’d got it into his head to try a shower or something. We got him settled in his chair and made him comfortable enough to rest for a while. Cordy said he wouldn’t be able to handle the stairs with his hip, so she made up the couch for him while he dozed. No one can say my girl loses her head when it’s important. I found some soup in his fridge and warmed it up for him. They had to sew up the roof of his mouth, and I though the soup would go down easy. While Giles dozed, he kept mumbling that he was sorry to Buffy. I’m not sure yet what they did to him, but I think he said something and now he feels like everything is his fault. Damn it, Buffy, where are you?

You all know he wasn’t happy with us taking care of him when he woke up. He grumbled that he didn’t need “nursemaids fussing over him”. I just told him that the grumpier he got, the more us nursemaids would fuss. That was at least enough get him to let us get some soup into him and settle him on the couch before we left. God, leaving him like that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, but I knew he needed time to himself and pushing him any more that night would have made things worse.

We got there early the next morning. Both me and Cordy didn’t sleep well because of nightmares. Plus, we were worried and thought Giles would need some help getting ready. Willow, I’ve never been so glad you have Oz looking out for you. You are just as bullheaded as our Watcher-man and I don’t know what I’d do if it was just me trying to take care of both of you. I did help him get dressed, and Cordy fixed us some oatmeal. With breakfast, she laid out all the pills he was supposed to take. She also put out the ones for my arm with my bowl. That way it just looked like she was taking care of her wounded boys. And it worked. I took mine and he took his. I kinda think the big guy has a soft spot for the girls and they might have more luck getting him to look after himself. At the very least, both our girls can match him when it comes to a glaring contest. When it’s this important anyway.

On the way to school he wanted to stop at the mansion. I knew it was coming. We had a plan, and Cory kept him busy checking over the statue while I went into ‘that’ room before he could think about it. It was just how we left it. Nothing changed, except that morning I added a pile of puke to the corner. There was no way I was letting Giles go back in that place. Thankfully, he was happy with my report. He also thinks the sword in the statue has shifted. I’m thinkin’ that means Buff sent Angelus to hell. After what he did, I can’t help hoping so. I hope he’s in a place where a hundred little Xanders spend all day kicking his evil ass. I know you tried, Willow, but you weren’t there to see what he did to our Watcher.

After that, we all met up at the school. Giles, of course, refusing to use his crutch or the sling for his hand. At least Willow was in her wheelchair. And no Buffy. My hand’s cramped up now, so I hope I covered most of what you guys need to know. He needs us, whether he wants to admit it or not. We can do this for him.

5/23/98 - Cordelia Chase

I suppose it’s my turn for this. So far, Willow’s plan seems to be working. Last night I dropped Xander off outside Giles’ place. He was going to give some story about his parents fighting and needing someplace quiet the crash for the night. I think it worked, because he never called me to go back and get him. We haven’t been able to talk without Giles around yet, so, if anything new happened, he’ll have to write it down for us later.

Anyway, here’s what happened with me today. I’m the only one with a free period before lunch, so, as we planned, I went to the library to make sure Giles was taking his pills. Of course, I had to set them up and watch him take them as usual. He keeps saying he wants to be alert if Buffy calls, but we’ve already seen that the pain pills don’t make him groggy or anything. You know, I think he wants to use the pain to punish himself. Like he has to make amends for some reason. He’s the one that was tortured, for God’s sake. What is it with men?

So, while I was in the library, Buffy’s mom showed up. She was like this crazy harpy, waving a note around and screaming at him. We finally worked out that the note was left by Buffy and she had written that Giles would explain the whole Slayer thing. It took her mom a couple days to remember who Giles was. Leave it to Buffy to drop everything in his lap, again.

You guys should have heard the awful things that woman was accusing Giles of. Now I know where Buffy gets her sanctimonious, holier-than-thou ‘tude. She was worse than that cop I had to set right on Monday. You know, I’m pretty good at spotting a sleaze bag when I see one. How can these people look at Giles and think he would do such things?

Buffy’s mom just kept shrieking at him. Accusing him of being all kinds of inappropriate with her daughter. Asking if Buffy gave him his injuries while she was fighting him off. And Giles just stood there and took it. He hung his head like he’d done everything she accused him of. Then she threatened to go to Snyder and get him fired, then call the police.

I held my tongue as long as I could, waiting for him, but damned if I’m gonna stand by and let a good man like Giles take that. He may be a king of losers, but he’s a good guy, you know.

So, I set her straight. Just like I did that cop before. I told her that Giles would never do any of the things her depraved imagination was coming up with. And what does that say about her anyway? I told her that, if it wasn‘t for Giles, her daughter, along with the rest of us, would be long dead several times over. Then I told her that he’d be all over going after her AWOL daughter if he wasn’t busy recovering from everything her ‘precious little angel’s’ psycho boyfriend did to him. She backed off pretty quick when I started talking about what Buffy let happen to him. Giles didn’t let me go very far once I got to that point, though. It was only because she looked like she might apologize to him that I stopped, for his sake.

She calmed down and Giles started to talk to her about how she could help in his plans to find Buffy. When I was sure he had everything under control, I left to get some food. Just thought you guys should know in case she got another bug up her butt. God, what is it with the Summers genes?

5/24/98 - Xander

I see that Cordy wrote something about me staying with Giles yesterday. Sorry I didn’t get a chance. Right now is the first time I’ve managed to hide in the stacks long enough to write anything. You guys are with him now. I can hear you joking around, trying to cheer him up. I hope you at least get a smile.

So, I’ve spent the last two nights at Giles’ place. Gave him a story that my folks were at each other again and I was hoping for a quiet place to get ready for finals. He seemed to buy it, said he was “glad that I was putting forth the effort”. Gotta tell you though, nights with the G-man right now aren’t as peaceful as they used to be. Willow was right about the nightmares. Even with the sleeping pills he’s woken up at least twice every night. Helpful tip… When he starts screaming, no one with a heart could not go and try to wake him. I think, even from a dead sleep, I took those stairs three at a time. But, when you do wake him, keep an eye on all the arms and legs. I’m thinking, because he couldn’t fight back before, he tries twice as hard now. More than once he’s knocked me down.

Oh, he talks in his sleep, too. Things that Angelus told him and did to him. I’ll warn you, just listening was enough to give me new nightmares. I don’t suggest doing much eavesdropping. But, I know, if we want to help him, the more we know the better. Hoping to have time to write down more of what I’ve learned later.

One more thing. Last night, after I woke him, he fell right back to sleep. I was so exhausted, I didn’t make it back down to the couch and fell asleep propped up on the bed beside him. The thing is, I think just having someone near him helped, because he slept the rest of the night. Gotta say, other than a kink in the neck when I woke up, it helped me too. For once I didn’t dream about finding him dead. Now, I’m not saying we should all start crawling into bed with the big guy, he might not go for that, but maybe we can figure something out to use that knowledge to help him.

And the pills… I told him that I need to take my pills at the same times he does, and that I forget and I can handle the pain without them anyway. He wouldn’t hear of that. Now he takes his just to make sure I take mine. How’s that for your backwards psycho-crap, Willow?

Gotta go…

5/24 - Xander again

We just talked Giles into letting Oz crash at his place tonight. The girls thought I could use a break. I guess it is wearing on me a little. So, Oz told him his building was getting bug bombed, and Willow start saying how she wished her parents where leaving sooner so he could stay with her, and she somehow talked Giles into offering his couch. Sometimes I think the big guy’s just as helpless against her as the rest of us.

Anyway, Oz, there are still a few bandages that need to be changed in places he can’t easily reach. They’re on his back and a couple at the back of his thighs that he can’t really see. Wrapping up the hand that had surgery can be hard for him, too. He won’t ask you, so you have to find a way to get him to let you help him. For me, I just stepped in and started doing it before he could argue. And, all of you should be warned, his bruises are really dark now. I don’t know what the bastard beat him with, but when you get him to lift his shirt or anything, just trying not to make a big deal. He gets upset. I think he worries most that we worry about him.

And I said I’d write about his dreams… So far, it’s been a lot of just plain screaming in pain. But there are times he seems to be begging. And I don’t think he’s begging for himself. He says things like, “take me instead” and “leave her alone” and “they’re only children”. My best guess is, while Angelus was hurting him, he was also telling Giles about what he planned to do to Buffy and the rest of us. Now, he sees it all happening in his dreams. I’m more sure than ever that having one of us near him can only be of the good. I just hope we don’t screw up so bad he’ll try to push us away.

That’s all I can think of to help you right now. Good luck, Wolfman.

5/25/98 - Oz

It’s Saturday. I’m sitting in the waiting room of Giles’ surgeon. I think, when he was telling me he had an appointment today, he was expecting me to just take my leave this morning. He argued a little when I offered to give him a lift, told me I didn’t have to bother. I think the fact that his car is a manual and is still hard to drive with his hand made it easier to convince him it was no problem for me. So, he’s in having that hand looked at now. I hope the doc gives him good news. I’m starting to think I get Giles. And losing function in a hand would take things away from me that I wouldn’t like to lose. I’m sure it’s the same for him.

Last night went well. I took my guitar with me and we had a good time talking music and some other things. You guys should try sitting down to talk with the man sometime, there’s more to him than just the Watcher thing.

I helped him with his bandages. Just stepped in and did it like Xander said. One thing I noticed was that he was tense the whole time I was touching him. It’s my guess he’s the same with Xander, too. This may be because he’s in pain or not used to people touching him, but I have another idea. I think it’s time we send in the girls. I’m not saying Giles doesn’t trust us not to hurt him. I think it’s our hands. The last male hands to spend time focused on touching him did nothing but cause him pain. I’m just thinking, maybe he’ll relax more with a different kind of touch.

As Xander warned, he did start screaming in the middle of the night. I agree, it’s tough to hear Giles scream. I mean, he’s the steady one, the one that has the answers when nothing makes sense. To hear him go through that kind of stuff is… intense.

I found my trick to get him to take his pills. I couldn’t use Xand’s and he just raised an eyebrow at me when I went the Cordy route. So, I just told him that the girls made me promise to make him take them, and, if he didn’t, they’d know it to look at me. Funny how he completely understood me not wanting to have Wil and Cordy mad at me. I think Xander’s right about the girls being able to get to him.

He was up early this morning. Made lots of phone calls. He’s getting in touch with all his contacts, trying to find any leads on Buffy. I think we’d better be prepared that he’ll want to start trying to go after her before he’s fit to travel. I don’t know how we’d stop him, but we’ll have to keep an eye open for that.

You guys are going to meet us at his place for lunch. I agree that this is working. Now doubt, Giles is a private guy, but he does seem to calm when some of us are around.

5/25/98 - Willow

We were all over at Giles’ for lunch when something happened. I know everyone was there, but I feel it should be recorded anyway.

We were cleaning up the dishes, and Giles went to sit in his chair and read a book. I sent Xand out with a fresh cup of tea for him. When the rest of us followed, Oz tapped my shoulder and leaned his head towards Giles. It took me a few seconds to notice what he was sensing. I think it’s a wolfy thing. But, Xander was just standing there reading over Giles’ shoulder. Giles had gone pale. I could see him almost getting smaller in the chair. He was starting to sweat and the tea in his cup showed that his hand was trembling.

I went to him. I knew he didn’t want us to notice, but I couldn’t help it. I knelt down in front of him and I asked him what was wrong. He wouldn’t tell me. It was Cordy who figured it out. She said, sometimes her mom got panic attacks and some looked a lot like this. And now we know what the anti-anxiety pills are for. Cordy went and got them but he wouldn’t take anything from me.

The way he looked at me frightened me more than any demon we’ve ever faced. Like he didn’t want to see me there. Like he didn’t trust me. I never knew until that moment how much his trust means to me. Then he said, “I won’t let you use Willow to make me hurt them.” A second later he called me Drusilla. He said, “I know it’s you.”

Now I understand. After Angel told Buffy what he did to Drusilla, I helped look her up in the Watcher Diary’s. We found that, since Spike had a thing for Slayers, a few Watchers had encountered Dru, too. They wrote about her having powers that vampires didn’t normally possess. Like some prophetic ability, and the ability to get into people’s minds. One Watcher wrote that he and his Slayer had rescued one of her victims, but the girl’s mind was so badly damaged that she was only fit for life in an asylum. If Dru used these powers on Giles, it explains why he doesn’t trust his senses, and why he thinks he failed Buffy.

When I realized all this, I started doing anything I could think of to convince Giles we wouldn’t hurt him. I took his hands in mine and said, “Feel, they’re warm. Vampires don’t have warm hand.” He told me I could trick his senses. Then, I noticed him taking quick glances up at Xand. And it hit me that that had to be what set it off. Xander standing over him. If Angel had him tied to a chair, he must have stood over him like that a lot. I asked Xand and everyone else to get down and kneel around him. Luckily, I think everybody caught on and did it without arguing. After that, I had Cordy put her hands on Giles shoulder and arm, reasoning Dru only had two hands and he could feel four. Giles argued Angelus was there, too. So, we continued with Xander and Oz, all of us gently touching him.

I could see in his eyes how badly he wanted to believe we were real, so I asked him again to take his pills. In the smallest voice I’ve ever heard from Giles, he asked, “Will they kill me?” That question nearly killed me. I wanted to curl up in his lap and cry until he told me everything would be okay, but that couldn’t happen. I’m the one that has to tell him right now. So I asked, “Do you want them to?” Then he whispered my name and took the pills.

I could feel his pulse slow, see him calm down. He even almost smiled at me. We got him a cool cloth to rinse his face and a new cup of tea. Then, knowing he was embarrassed that we all saw it, we quietly left him alone to rest for a while. Someone will go back for the night shift, but he needs time to himself.

I’m out of the wheelchair now, almost back to my old self. Soon, I can start taking care of him, too. That’s what I need to be doing.

5/26/98 - Cordelia Chase

I got Giles duty last night. I don’t really mind, it’s not like I’m being invited to the good parties anymore. I said I’d help out, and Cordelia doesn’t go back on her word.

So, I showed up last night, Giles opened the door, and proceeded to ask why I was there. He might fool the rest of you, but I know the man’s not stupid. If he hasn’t figured out what we’ve been doing, they should take his Watcher’s license away. So, I told him it was my turn to baby-sit a friend that needs a little help right now. He argued, of course, and I ignored him and went in to start fixing him dinner. You know, a little later I swear I caught a glimpse of him smiling at me. It’s as I say, everyone likes to be pampered every now and then.

He fought me when it was time to check his bandages. But, when Cordelia Chase sets her mind to something, not even a stubborn Brit can stop her. God, his back… I know you guys tried to warn me, but I’ve never seen that much damage on one person before. It was almost too much… Well, anyway, I did the major wounds. They’re still ugly, but the new tissue seems to be coming in well. He was tense at first, but I didn’t stop with the bandages. His back just looked so sore. I hooked his shirt up over his shoulders and started to lightly rub his back. At first, I think he wanted to tell me it wasn’t proper for him to get a massage from a student, or some lame thing like that. But, I’ve had enough of them in my life to know what feels good. It’s strangely gratifying to reduce such an eloquent, well-spoken man to groans and whimpers. Having one of us rub his back might not be the most proper thing in his uptight world, but he sure needed it. By the time I was done, he was relaxed enough to go right to sleep. Willow, hook up with me tomorrow at school and I’ll show you the muscle groups he needs the most work on.

I hopped him up pretty well on his sleeping pills last night. I think I gave him the maximum safe dosage on the bottle. Don’t worry, my mom takes twice that all the time. It’s just, the thought of screams in the night don’t appeal to me like the rest of you freaks. But he did scream. By the time I got up stairs it had turned into crying. He was whimpering, “If you killed them why not me, too?” Xander was right, that evil psycho had the poor guy convinced the rest of us were all dead. I didn’t wake him. Somehow, I knew he wasn’t ready for anyone to see him like that yet. Especially with what happened earlier that day. I quietly sat by him on the bed and put a hand on his back. Hey, did you guys know Giles likes to sleep on his stomach? Guess it’s not something most kids wonder about their librarian. So, I put a hand on his back and began to gently rub again, trying to get him back to that calm place I had him in before he fell asleep. It seemed to work. He settled down and started breathing normally. I don’t like it, guys. I don’t like Giles being hurt and upset. I don’t like seeing it. I don’t like caring this much. And I sure as hell don’t like sitting alone in the dark crying!

And, by the way, his couch sucks to sleep on. I guess I’m the one that’ll have to fix that, too.

This morning I helped Giles pick out some new glasses from a catalog. He was gonna go back to those round things that make him look surprised most the time. Or, maybe that’s just him trying to figure out what we’re talking about. Anyway, they had this awesome rock star looking pair that I bet would look pretty hot on him. It’s hard to tell when he’s all buttoned up tight, but he could work it for an old guy if he loosened up a little. And, Xander Harris, if reading any of this makes you jealous, you’re dumber than I give you credit for. Giles wasn’t going for the rock star look though. We finally found a soft rectangular shape that should work well with his facial features. I bet Miss Calendar would have loved him in them. Of course, I didn’t tell him that. I can’t stand that look he gets in his eyes when anyone mentions her name.

While we were doing that, I think I solved another one of our mysteries. I hate to tell you guys, we’ve all learned enough for a lifetime of nightmares as is. But, we all promised to write everything down. Giles and I were having a nice time with picking out the glasses, so I tried to make a joke. I said that vampires had no class at all, breaking a man’s glasses. He agreed, but I saw that look in his eyes. You now, the shift when he goes back to that night for a split second. When he did, I saw him run his tongue along the stitches in the roof of his mouth. I think that’s what happened. He probably said something the psycho didn’t like, and that bastard tried to make him eat his own glasses. How sick is that? I don’t know about you, but at this point I’m hoping never to see Angel again.

5/27/98 - Willow

Okay, so we left Xander at the school to help drive Giles home when he finishes his work. Oz, Cordy, and I have just left Cordy’s house. Her mother is redecorating their den, and she said we can do what we want with this big, comfortable recliner that’s practically new. It really is comfy. Xand might hang off a little, but it will be perfect for the rest of us. It’s in the back of the van now. We’re taking it to Giles’ place.

The plan is to put it in his room. That way we won’t have to mess with the stairs in the middle of the night. It’s also so I can start staying. The guys are still a little worried that I might be a little unsteady trying to hurry on those stairs. Who knows if Giles is gonna let us put the chair up there? I know we’re kinda invading his space. But haven’t we been doing that anyway? He must know we’re just trying to help.

We’re here. Here goes nothing…

CONT. - Willow

We did it! They got there the same time we did, so there was no sneaking it in. Likely a good thing, since it took Oz and Xand to get it up the stairs. Giles offered to help, but we wouldn’t let him.

At first, Giles really didn’t think it was a good idea. I don’t blame him, he likes his privacy. We promised we weren’t planning on hanging out up there or anything. We just wanted to be there, hoping that having someone close will help him sleep better. He couldn’t deny that a full night’s sleep was something he’d begun to think of as a fantasy. I think he was trying to make a joke when he asked which one of us was planning to brave the first night in the old man’s cave. I told him I was. He must have seen it in my eyes that he could have argued all he wanted and not changed my mind. He finally just nodded and gave me the tiniest smile. Like he finally understood that I needed him close as much as he needed me. We can get through this together. I like the sound of that.

Tomorrow’s the last day of school. Well, it is for us. I know Giles and the faculty still have a few more days of work to do. But, it will be hard for all of us to hang out in the library with him when it’s summer break. I’m thinking I could probably get away with hanging around to help him, what with my wonder-nerd credentials and all. The rest of the gang might look suspicious. And Snyder is already looking for ways to give Giles a hard time anyway. We’ll have to be extra careful.

5/28/98 - Willow

It’s about three in the morning. Right now I’m on the bed. Giles still has his arms wrapped tight around me, but he’s sound asleep. Hopefully, having the gurgles of my belly under his ear will ease his fears a little. I managed to get the diary and my little reading light out of my bag without waking him. It’s a miracle I got him back to sleep, but I’m not expecting any more for me tonight after what he told me.

It started out to be a good night. We had dinner and read for a long time. Giles is one of those people you can just be with quietly and still have a nice time. When it was time, he went up to get ready for bed and I changed in the bathroom. I waited ‘til he called that he was settled and went up to the recliner with my pillow and blanket. I could tell he was still nervous about having me so close at night, but we managed not to stutter each other silly as we said good night and turned the lamps off.

I’d read what all of you have written. I thought I was ready for it. I mean, it’s not like I’ve never heard a man scream before, what with the fighting evil and all. But, this was different, it was Giles. It’s like pain is just the least of what makes up the sound. He also sounds so utterly sad, so helpless, so discouraged. It’s like a combination of all the things inside him that he never dares show any of us. All the things he spends all his time protecting us from.

I’ll admit that when the first one woke me I couldn’t move. It was like my heart went cold and everything I ever feared before amounted to nothing more than kid stuff. But, then he started crying out my name. God, I’ve never heard anyone say my name with such desperation, such terror. I had to go to him, to stop whatever he was seeing. I shook him, unsure of what to expect. When he finally opened his eyes, he looked at me with such wild fear. I’ve never seen that kind of emotion in those eyes. Then it was like it suddenly clicked that I was there, and real, and whole. And he grabbed a hold of me, pulled me into his arms, and held on like he feared I was going to disappear. In the middle of the night, in the dark, Giles held onto me and cried. I guess it should have felt weird, holding and rocking a grown man, stroking his hair, crying with him, but it didn’t. I could feel how much he needed it, someone to share his misery with. Somehow, I’m sure he never would have chosen me in the light of day, but tonight it was just us alone in the dark. Even though it hurts, I’m glad for it. Glad to be here for him.

When he finally calmed, I asked him what he was dreaming. He didn’t want to tell me. I said that it would help him to talk about it, that he didn’t have to go through it alone anymore. He was quiet for a long time with his head buried in my shoulder. Then, when I thought he had gone back to sleep, he started whispering, telling me his dream. It was about what Angelus said he was going to do to me in front of Giles. I’m going to write down what he told me as best I can. As you might tell, my hands are still shaking thinking about it. I’ll clearly mark the beginning and the end of the dream so any of you can skip it if you feel the need. It’s pretty graphic. I hope you don’t mind the third person story format. I’ve thought about how to do this for a long time, and detaching myself is the only way I’ll ever get through it.

GILES’ DREAM

Giles was tied to the chair, his hands strapped painfully behind his back as he came to for the, he didn’t know how many, time that night. As he tried to focus, Angelus grinned at him.

“Hey, Rupert Buddy. You gotta stop checking out on me like that. All the waiting around for you to decide to be conscious is really getting kinda boring.”

“Sorry to… inconvenience … you,” Giles breathed.

“No worries. Truth is, I have a nice little present for you.”

Giles waited silently, steadying himself for whatever the vampire had in store for him next. With a cocky bounce in his step, Angelus went to the door and quickly returned dragging a bound and gagged girl behind him.

“No,” the Watcher shook his head, refusing to believe what his eyes were telling him.

“What’s the matter? I thought you’d be happy to see her.” Angelus held the prisoner’s face up in a vice-like grip, making Giles stare into the frightened eyes of Willow. “See, I’ve been thinking. All the other Slayers I’ve come across just had their Watchers, but yours has a whole little troop of these guys. Now, it’s your job to put a stop to that, and since you haven’t, you must like having the little ones around, too. And I’m willing to bet your life that this one’s your favorite.”

“No,” Giles shook his head emphatically. “She’s not. Just a nuisance that I can’t get rid of.” He shut his eyes against the hurt that crossed Willow’s face, praying she’d one day understand he was only trying to protect her.

“Oh, is that right?” Angelus clucked his tongue. “Guess you won’t care what I do with her then.” He began dragging Willow away by the neck.

“Just let her go,” Giles howled. “Do what you will to me, but let her be.”

The vampire grinned widely. “It’s not nice to try to lie to me, Rupert. Now I have to decide which one of you to punish for that.”

“Please… you have me. You’ve no need for her.”

“I have an idea. Instead of punishing you, I’d rather give you a reward.” Giles fought down the urge to cry as the vampire took the gag from Willow’s mouth and cut the ropes at her hands. “Now,” he whispered to her, “you’re going to do everything I tell you. And for every time you disobey me, I’ll have to punish you by breaking one of your friend here’s fingers.”

Willow looked desperately at Giles. “Please don’t,” she whimpered. “I’ll obey.”

“It would seem you’ve trained her well,” Angelus laughed. “First, I want you to kneel in front of him. Go on, scoot right up close. He’s not going anywhere.” Willow did as she was told. She was looking up at Giles, kneeling between his knees. “Very good. I wonder, how far have you gone with that werewolf boyfriend of yours? I’m willing to bet you’ve never even looked at a man before. Well, here’s your chance.”

“Please don’t make her do this. She’s an innocent.”

“And we both know what innocents are good for. Don’t we, Ripper?” Giles winced at the friendly pat on his shoulder. “Willow, I want you to unfasten his pants. Go ahead. Undo the belt and unzip him.”

Giles stared into her frightened eyes. “You don’t have to, Willow. He’s going to hurt me anyway. Nothing he does is your fault.”

The vampire moved slightly next to him and twisted one of his fingers harshly, causing the Watcher’s breath to catch. Willow went quickly about the task of opening his pants.

“That’s a good girl. Now, go ahead and take him out.” The redhead looked up with questioning eyes. “No one’s that innocent. You know what I mean.” He bent his face closer to hers. “Either you do it, or I will. And, if I do it, I will most certainly hurt him.”

“But, I…” she whispered in a small voice and turned her eyes up to Giles. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

He swallowed hard, his need to kill this vampire boiling inside him as it never had before. But, he kept the calm in his voice reserved just for the girl. “Your gentle touch can never hurt me, Willow. You don’t need to do anything you don’t want to. This pillock brought you in here because he knows he’ll never break any of us regardless of what he does.”

“Enough of the pep talks!” Angelus stretched a cold hand down between them, but Willow lashed out at it without thinking, possessively batting it way form its target. The vampire only grinned and motioned for her to proceed.

Giles closed his eyes, bracing for the unthinkable contact. He felt her soft, tentative hand slide beneath the material of his shorts and stop uncertainly as it reached its mark. His stomach jumped and twisted. He felt sick at his own animalistic wave of pleasure that came with her light touch. His hips shifted of their own accord, helping her bring him out into full view of the room.

“Very good,” the vampire purred. “And impressive, Rupert, for an English dog, of course. Do any of these girls know you’re hung like that?”

Giles clenched his jaw and ground out, “Of course they do, you Irish twit. Didn’t you know they all take turns servicing me every week?”

Angelus laughed as Willow’s eyes went wide but stayed glued on the newly discovered male anatomy laid out before her. “And here I thought you were a blushing virgin,” he quipped in her ear.

“But I… I…”

“It’s all right, Willow,” Giles breathed. “Everything will be fine.”

“Sure it will,” the vampire laughed. “We only have one problem. He’s not ready to fully participate yet. Why don’t you see what you can do about that?”

“I’m not going to let you use my body to hurt her,” the Watcher growled.

“Your body? I just thought you’d like to be a little more invested when you watch me fuck her in front of you.”

Willow whimpered, shaking with fear. “No… please,” she cried, clutching onto Giles for dear life.

“Don’t worry…” Angelus laughed. “If you can get him into it, maybe I’ll let you put him in your mouth.”

Giles twisted his wrists against the rough ropes binding him, focusing on the pain as Willow’s hot, panting breath wafting over him threatened to draw a response from his body. He was desperate to spare her even the least bit of humiliation possible.

“Go on, touch him. Every teenage girl I’ve ever come across loved the opportunity to explore the forbidden. I’ve seen you look at him. I know you’ve wondered what it’d be like to touch.”

“Please, don’t make me.” Willow stared up into Giles eyes. He could see the fear in her tear-filled gaze, but that wasn’t holding her back as much as the need not to be the source of his torment.

“Geez, Girl, this is the easy part!” Angelus grabbed her hand and shoved it down onto Giles’ exposed member, squeezing roughly. The pain that shot through Giles never made it to his eyes, still fixed on Willow’s. The small well of courage churning inside her giving him strength. “Now, rub!” She left her hand still, using it to cover him instead of bring the shame their enemy was searching for.

Only a few minutes passing was all it took for the vampire to run out of patience. He barley kept the jovial tone in his voice as he said, “Ah, Rupert, I didn’t peg you for a guy that can’t stand at attention. Well, if you’re not gonna offer her any kind of tasty treat, I guess she’ll have to settle for mine.” Angelus growled in frustration when neither prisoner looked at him. “Fine, you want to gaze into each other’s eyes, be my guest.”

The vampire stood behind Willow and, hooking his hands into her hips, lifted her to her feet. He hurriedly bent her forward, placing her hands on Giles’ knees.

“Don’t,” Giles pleaded in a shaky whisper, still captured in the emerald eyes.

“Oh, you better keep your eyes on this, Old Man. You’re gonna watch everything I do to her, Watcher. And if you dare look away even for a second, it will be ten times worse for her.”

“I’m so sorry,” he whispered to the young girl inches from his face. “I should have protected you from this.”

He watched her eyes go wide with pain and flood with tears, a strangled scream caught in her throat as the demon behind her plunged in, ripping through her virgin flesh. Waves of nausea washed over him, but he didn’t dare look away, unable to fathom what more the vampire could do to her. Tears streamed down Willow’s face. She was forced forward, her head coming to rest against his chest. He saw a smile spread on cursed lips and the demon’s true face emerge as it grunted its orgasm. Then it looked into his eyes.

“You know what, Rupert. I was looking forward to savoring your blood myself. But now, I’m thinking you’ll make a much better first meal for her.” He savagely grabbed Willow by the hair and yanked her upright, burying his fangs in her neck.

“Willow!!!”

END GILES’ DREAM

Giles told me that after Angelus described in every detail how he was going to rape me and make him watch, he laughed and said, “Too bad I can’t. My men left the poor girl crushed under a pile of your books. But, maybe we’ll have some fun with the brunette.” He made Giles believe I was already dead.

It makes me so mad that he used me to torture Giles like that, even when I wasn’t there. I never say Angel’s name in front of him anymore. I don’t talk about the spell or any of that stuff. It’s all too much. Seeing so much sadness in his eyes.

Looks like I’ve accomplished my goal of not going back to sleep tonight. Sunlight is starting to peak through the window. Funny how I managed to not think about it by writing it in detail. Now I’m going to try getting back to the chair without waking Giles. It’s one thing to confide in the only person around when it’s dark, but I don’t think waking up like this with me will help him. He might not even remember talking to me last night. Part of me hopes he doesn’t.

I’m not sure how we’ll do it, but we’re going to get him through this. We have to.

5/28/98 - Xander

Willow handed off the book to me and went to her last class. I’m sitting here in the middle of the school courtyard and I can’t scream. I can’t hit something or break something. I can’t do anything I feel like doing after reading what Willow wrote last night. Reading what Giles went through. FUCK ANGEL!!! He couldn’t just stick to breaking the big guy’s bones and messing him up physically. He had to go for the major mind fucks, too. God, I hate that son of a bitch. I hate him for everything he did to Giles, and I hate him for even thinking about touching my Willow. And my Cordy. I can’t… I can’t think about this anymore.

I volunteered to be a library assistant today. Snyder gave me that look again. I’m sure you guys know the one. It’s that one where we’re supposed to be too immature to want to help around school. The one where he can’t understand why we would give a shit about the librarian. I don’t think he understands caring about anyone. Giles sent me out with reminders to give to all the teachers. They’re supposed to give him the list of books they’ll need next year so he can order them. Or, as he said, try stretching the nonexistent budget to the barest essentials.

I have to go back in there now. Face him with a smile knowing what happened last night. Knowing more of what he went through. Sometimes I wish I could get away with the little comforting touches Willow can give him. But I know, if I tried, he’d just look at me and try to figure out what I was possessed with this time. Actually, there’s something comforting in the thought of that.

Sorry about the cussing, Wils. I know you don’t like it. But, this is for our feelings too, and those are my feelings right now.

5/29/98 - Oz

Willow insisted on staying with Giles again last night. Even after her first night, or, perhaps, because of it. I stayed, too. Took the couch while she slept upstairs in his room. With school being out, the only protest he could think of was that we had better things to do than look after the ‘old man’. He puts himself down like that a lot. I know it can’t be easy for him only having teenagers around all the time, but it’s not like he’s really that old. I think he’s the only one that ever points the age thing out as well, and Buffy used to. Maybe it’s because he’s still hurting all the time. Maybe… Has it occurred to anyone else that when Angel killed Miss Calendar, Giles not only lost his girlfriend, but the only other adult who knew what’s going on around here? Gotta be doubly tough on him.

His nightmares didn’t wake me last night, but I did hear something when I got up during the night. I crept upstairs to see what some mumbling was. When I peaked in, Willow was holding him again and they were talking. She saw me in the doorway, and gave me a wink to say they were all right. I don’t know what he was telling her this time. She’ll let us know if it was important.

As far as we can work out, he doesn’t remember telling her things at night. Maybe the pills let him think it’s all part of the dreams. I’m just glad Wil can get past his guard and help him. She has that gentle way about her.

She went with him to the school today. Said she’d help him with getting all of the last minute returns in the computer and with the online ordering. I’ll take them some lunch in a bit.

One more problem. The full moon’s coming, Guys. We’ll have to work out how to deal with me. Giles usually takes most the shifts for watching me. I’d hate to stress him more than he already is.

5/29/98 - Willow

I only have a few minutes. Oz and Giles started talking music. I have no idea what they’re talking about when they do this, but the little smiles both of them get is really cute.

Giles did tell me more last night. He confirmed what we thought about Drusilla getting into his head. She used Miss Calendar against him. He said he saw her, that she was there and alive and she kissed him. And she wanted to help him, so he told her the secret. But it was all just Drusilla tricking him. It was her touching him and kissing him. Yuck, vampire kisses… Well, I guess Buffy used to like them, but the thought just gives me the wig.

From what I can guess, this came at the end. Giles was already exhausted and in agony from everything Angelus had done to him. No one could have taken all of that and still been strong enough to withstand those kinds of mind games. But he blames himself. He thinks it’s his fault Acathla was activated, and Buffy had to kill Angel, and Buffy disappeared. I can’t say anything to convince him none of this is his fault. I don’t know what to do.

Oz is right that he doesn’t remember telling me things at night. I can tell by the way he looks at me. I think he counts it all as dreams, and maybe secretly wishes it could be real. But it is helping him. He’s slowly starting to relax. Anyone else wouldn’t be able to tell, but we can.

5/30/98 - Xander

It took me half an hour to talk Willow into letting me take last night’s shift with Giles. Now that she’s able to help him, she wants to be there for him all the time. I can’t say I blame her, I feel the same. But, like you guys told me, there are four of us so no one has to carry too much of the load. That goes for Wils, too.

I could tell that the big guy was a little wigged at the thought of me crashing in the recliner last night. I’d brought pizza, a celebration for getting his stitches out, and during dinner he joked that if I snored he’d smother me with a pillow. I get it. Even though Willow can be bullheaded, she has this non-intrusive way about her. People feel safe with her. Hell, I’ve known it since kindergarten. I finally let him off the hook. Told him I was too tall for the chair and preferred the couch. The look on his face, it was like he was relieved and disappointed at the same time. I think he’s getting tired of us, but he’s also a little afraid of being alone.

Well, I started out on the couch, until the first nightmare, dozed off in the chair after the midnight climb. When I woke him, he just whispered thanks and laid down to try and relax again. I wanted to tell him he could talk to me too, that I would understand. It doesn’t surprise me that he’s not comfortable enough to open up around me though. I’m just the silly boy making dumb jokes all the time. But I can see the thanks in his eyes. Almost the same way he looked at me when I got him out of the mansion. I don’t know, maybe it’s the things we don’t say to each other… Two guys just being there in a tough time that counts.

When I woke up, he was already down stairs making breakfast. He’s meeting Willow at school again to finish up his work for the summer. I never knew school librarians had so many responsibilities.

He still looks at his answering machine every five minute, hoping for a message from Buffy. I’ve seen him nearly destroy all the healing his body has done lunging for the phone when it rings. No Buffy, no leads… He wants to start looking, I can see it. The first lead he gets he’ll be after it. I’ll be ready to go with him.

I promised him I’d go check on Buffy’s mom today. He worries about her too, but doesn’t think she’s ready to forgive him yet. I’ll try to work some Xander charm when I see her. Put in a few good words for the big guy. She’ll understand at some point.

5/31/98 - Cordelia Chase

Okay, so last night was the first night of Oz’s wolf thing. We all met in the library for dinner. Xander and I picked up Chinese food for everyone. It was weird that it was kinda nice eating there together again. Kinda like old times, except without something evil trying to destroy the world and kill all of us.

For some bizarre reason Snyder was hanging around. I mean, he hates being at the school as much as the students. We heard him shouting at one of the poor cleaner people and were able to hide with the food before he burst into the library. Well, Xander and I hid. Willow took her spot behind the computer and Oz sat reading while Giles fiddled with a cart full of books. The little troll-man came tearing right at Giles. Asking him why he was allowing students to be there and all sorts of stupid questions. I have to hand it to Giles for keeping his cool. He said ‘Miss Rosenberg’ was helping him with the late returns and her boyfriend was just waiting to take her home. And then Snyder started going into Giles’ ‘unnatural’ attachment to his little group of delinquents and at least the lead delinquent was gone. By the way, I’ve never in my life been called a delinquent. That little man was lucky Xander was holding me back. But, somehow, he kept going on about Buffy even when the look appeared on Giles’ face. We all saw it. The look that makes us all start thinking about places to hide the body. Ever since that Ethan guy showed up, we’ve been calling it the ‘Ripper’ look. I was watching though the stacks, just waiting for him to knock the little jerk into next week.

Somehow, Giles rode it out. It was getting close to dark and I think he focused on getting Snyder out before we had to lock Oz up. But, I bet the principal had no idea how close he came to death last night.

So, of course, Giles wanted to take his watch with Oz. Both Willow and Xander stayed with wolf-boy, and I practically had to drag the man home. God, the grumbling last night. He’s like a big child when we don’t let him do everything he wants. So, I sent him in to take a hot shower because I had planned on giving him another back rub. He might be healing up, but anyone can still see how sore he is just by the way he stands.

This time I was ready, and I brought my favorite lotion. When he came out of the bathroom I made him take a sniff. He ran straight back in and threw up. It took me a while to work it out. I realized it smelled like roses. We found his apartment full of roses the night… It must have reminded him of what it felt like to find her. Guys, I’ve never felt so awful in my life. I should have put it together before that. By the time he came back, I had put the bottle away and scrubbed the smell off my hands. I apologized the best I knew how, and suddenly he was the one trying to comfort me. What an absurd situation.

After that, we sat and had a cup of tea to calm down for bed. He kept glancing from me to the loft and started blushing. Men. No way was I going to tolerate that couch again. I told him, if he didn’t want me sleeping in my comfy chair in the same room as him, he could take the couch and I’d be happy having a bed. Then I could see his mind churning and that he was about to offer me his bed. Stupid men! Last time we had him sleep on the couch because he couldn’t do the stairs, he was moving like he was made of stone the whole next day. I cut that one off at the nub. I told him I was going to change into my night things, and when I got up there I wanted to find him face down on that bed with just his pajama bottoms on. And get your mind out of the gutter, Xander Harris! I had some backup lotion that smelled like coconut and he was getting his massage. Even if I had to tie him to the bed to give it to him.

I was right. He was so tight, and he needed to be rubbed down so badly. This time I just kept going until he was sound asleep. There’s magic in these fingers I tell you.

There was only one incident during the night. He called for Jenny. I can’t help but think it was my fault, because of the rose thing. I went over and rubbed his back some more. It worked like it did the other night. Only I couldn’t stop him crying in his sleep. I’ll rub him and do my best to help him sleep, but don’t expect me to wake him and let him start blubbering all over me. Eww. I refuse to be a human tissue. Willow can have all of that she wants. I just wish I knew a way to give him good dreams for once.


	2. June '98

 

6/1/98 - Xander

I’m exhausted. We have one more night on wolf duty. At least it seems like Cordy is taking care of Giles all right. Who knew she had that little bit of nurturing instinct in her?

I went to visit Buffy’s mom like I said I would. She’s trying not to go nuts, but you know… I guess, in some strange way, it’s good that Giles needed us. Doesn’t give the rest of us much time to obsess about Buffy. She asked if ‘Mr. Giles’ was doing better. I told her it’s been tough, but he’s slowly coming back to his old self. She asked if he had any leads on Buffy yet. I couldn’t look her in the eye when I had to say no. Then, she asked me to tell Giles that Buffy’s dad had finally gotten back to her and hadn’t heard anything, and the rest of the family hadn’t been contacted either. Geez, I wonder if Buffy even knows the hell she’s putting everyone through. I spent the rest of the day helping Joyce with chores around the house.

Wils and Oz gave me a call after they took the G-man to another doctor’s appointment today. He got some good news. The surgeon told him that he would have at least 98% of the function back in his hand. And, he said it could be up to 100% if Giles continues not to stress his hand as it finishes healing. See, with all his grumbling, sounds like we did something right after all. Not letting him do everything for himself. Anyway, Willow wants me to pick up something special to bring with dinner tonight to celebrate. Maybe the bakery will have some weird British dessert he’ll like.

6/2/98 - Willow

It’s the wee hours again. Cordy wanted to spend some alone time with Xander, so she stayed at the library with him to watch Oz. I just hope they remember that’s what they’re supposed to be doing. It was a good thing anyway. We’ve decided two nights in a row on Giles duty is all any of us should handle.

I’m writing to keep myself awake again. Giles told me another nightmare. It was a lot like the one about me, only Xander showed up to try and rescue us. I think the best way to do this is just to continue the story format. But, Xander, I don’t think you should read it. With the way you reacted last time… And trust me, it hurts more than you’d think to know you were used against Giles. That Angelus turned thinking of all of us into just another way to hurt him.

GILES’ DREAM 2

Giles couldn’t bite back the tears running down his cheeks. Blood tainted the fiery hair of the lifeless girl now lying at his feet. He couldn’t take his eyes off her, even as the demon laughed and began another assault on his body.

“Here, let me help you with that.” Angelus grabbed his still exposed manhood with a cold, harsh hand. Tucking it back in, he roughly refastened Giles’ trousers. “I’m sure she’ll want the fun of unwrapping her ‘birthday’ gift for herself when she wakes up.” He circled around behind the prisoner, trailing a hand up his arm and over his shoulders. “Now, I know I haven’t asked you anything for a while, so I guess it’s only fair to see if you have something you want to tell me.”

“Yes…” Giles breathed out in a tiny whimper.

“Really?” Angelus excitedly bent closer to hear him better. “I’m all ears!”

Giles breathed deeply, trying to steady his voice through the pain and tears. “To get what you want… you must wait… for Buffy to come and stake your sadistic, sorry arse.”

The Watcher took great pleasure in the disappointed frown he managed to elicit. Angelus’ hand shot up, curling around his throat and began to squeeze.

“You think your Slayer’s coming for you. I can’t wait. But, will she be ready to actually kill me this time?” Giles’ vision began to close in as his air supply remained cut off. “She hasn’t yet. Do you really think she’ll do it to save you?” Everything faded to black as the question hung in Giles’ mind. Truthfully, he wasn’t sure if she would.

Angelus suddenly let go and Giles slumped forward. “I think we have company,” the vampire laughed. “I can’t wait to see what he thinks of the little present I just gave you.” He rose and left the room.

Giles hung forward, hating the air rushing into his lungs, cursing the life still left in his body. Why couldn’t the vampire have killed him? He didn’t know how much more he could take. He didn’t know how much longer he could resist trading his horrible secret for the mercy of death.

A voice was calling his name, and he thought he could feel someone shaking his shoulders.

“Giles! Giles, wake up!” Xander sounded panicked. “What happened? Oh, God. What happened to Willow? She can’t be dead!”

The prisoner mumbled, not looking up. “My fault. ‘s gone… I killed her.”

“What do you mean, you killed her?” A flash of anger shot through the boy’s eyes as he forced the older man to look at him. “I swear, G-man or not… If you traded Willow’s life to save your sorry hide, I’ll…”

“Kill me,” Giles whispered. Not a question, but a plea. “I’m the only one who knows the answer. Kill me and go before he comes back.”

Xander felt the request stab straight through his gut. Saw the pain in the other mans eyes. Could almost imagine the horror he’d been forced to witness. “No,” he growled. “I’m not losing another friend to that monster. I’m getting you out of here.”

Giles didn’t have the energy to argue as Xander went around and started fumbling with the knots that bound his hands. Slow, loud clapping echoed through the room and caused them both to freeze.

“A good show to a point,” Angelus chuckled, emerging from the darkness. “The stalwart Watcher offering his life to save a world full of innocents. The faithful sidekick refusing to give up. All very touching. But, I think it’s time for the villain’s big entrance.”

Xander pulled out a stake and rushed the vampire, but Angelus caught him easily, wrapping him up and holding the boy’s back to his chest. The voice in his ear made Xander feel sick.

“You see him?” Angelus made him look at Giles. “I’ve spent so many hours now trying to get a simple answer out of him. I’ve used several of my favorite old standards of torture. Even some new things that I’ve been dying to try but couldn’t since I’ve been saddled with that damned soul. But, no luck. He’s very impressive when it comes to withstanding his own pain. So, I brought your little friend in.” He forced Xander’s eyes to Willow’s body. “I made him watch while I fucked her and killed her right in his lap. And, you know what; he still won’t tell me what I need to know. Now, I wonder how he’ll stand up if I let up on him for a while, and just let him spend the next couple of hours listening to you scream instead.” He threw the boy into the clutches of a couple of minions. “Chain him to the wall. Make sure the Watcher has a good view.”

Giles’ eyes burned with tears as he watched the blood splatter from the boy’s bare and shredded back. The whip sliced deep into the young flesh again and again and howls of pain echoed through the room.

Angelus held his hand up, stopping the beating while Giles wretched violently, his body trying to find something in his empty stomach it hadn’t already expelled. “I don’t know how much more this one can take,” the vampire said with mock concern. “Come now, Rupert. Do you really have a hard enough heart to watch another child die right in front of you?”

“No…” Giles moaned miserably. “Let him go… please.”

“You know the price. Tell me how to wake Acathla, and your little one here can scamper away.”

Giles tried to clear his clouded mind, tried to remember why it was so important not to tell Angelus whose blood was the key. “The secret to Acathla…” Giles was stopped by Xander’s weak voice drifting to his ears.

“Don’t you do it, G-man. Don’t you trade the world for me.”

That was it. Acathla would suck the world into hell. What did it matter if he saved everyone he cared for just to let everything go to hell?

Giles breathed, “Thank you, Xander.” He turned defiant eyes up to the demon. “The secret to Acathla is for you to go fuck yourself.”

Rage burned in Angelus’ eyes. “Bring me the boy!” Xander’s chains were snapped loose and he was dragged to the demon. Angelus held him up by his head, shoving him in Giles’ face. “This one’s not worth anything to you either? Is that it?”

Xander had a spark in his brown eyes, what little strength he had left he willed to Giles. “It’s all right, Big Guy. She’ll come for you.”

Giles shook his head. “No,” he wept.

“I guess I’m just gonna have to keep piling them at your feet, huh Watcher?” With a sharp twist of the vampire’s hands, the boy’s neck snapped with a loud crack. The spark faded as Xander lifelessly sank before him.

“Xander!”

END GILES’ DREAM 2

I don’t know why, but this one seems to have hit me harder than the first one. After I got Giles back to sleep, I had to go hide in the bathroom for a while so I wouldn’t wake him with my own crying. Maybe it’s because the thought of my friends hurting is worse than me getting hurt. And that would be why Angel told Giles he was going to hurt all of us. Even if Giles doesn’t really count us as real friends, I think he does feel responsible for us. He’s always trying to protect us.

Now that he lived through what Angel did to him, that’s not what he’s having nightmares about. They’re about what he was afraid would happen to us. Poor, sweet man.

Okay, I’m back and I’ve had an idea. Now that he’s a little stronger, let’s take him to do something. Something with all of us, and something fun. Just to reinforce that we’re all alive and well. And to get his mind off worrying about Buffy for a while. Everyone come up with ideas. Oh, and try to think of things Giles would like, not just us.

6/3/98 - Xander

You know Wils, I’m really starting to regret that I said you should take that creative writing class. Yes, of course I read it. But, you were right, the one about you was much harder for me to take. There must be something we can do to help the big guy with these stupid nightmares. Oh, and FUCK ANGEL!!! A hell dimension with a thousand little Xanders that kick his ass all day long… That’s where I hope he is.

I agree Giles needs some fun. Hey, it’s vacation time in So Cal, time for sun and waves. I vote the beach, or better yet, the water park.

6/3/98 - Oz

Not trying to put a damper on anyone’s enthusiasm here. And I see what the Xan-man’s saying with the sun and surf properties of our native land. But, Giles still has a few ugly wounds working on healing. Plus, even though his bruises are lighter now, he still looks like he went fifteen with a heavyweight boxer. He’s not even comfortable taking his shirt all the way off in front of any of us. I’m thinking any place he’d be expected to show a little more skin than usual won’t go over so well.

I am digging the idea, however. I have a thought in mind. Will have to look into it a little before I know what’s possible. I’ll get back to you soon.

6/3/98 - Cordelia Chase

Giles is like King Boring, right? His idea of a good time is organizing demonology books and stuff. You guys know I’m doing my best for him, but spending a day in Boringville is something you guys can do without me.

Maybe you can take him to the museum. But, the last time he was there some mummified slut tried to suck the life out of him… There’s always the zoo. But, that crazed keeper guy knocked him out while Xander was trying to eat you all…

You know what… I say come up with some place in Sunnydale where no one has tried the murder him, and take him there. That sounds like a good Giles vacation thing to me.

6/4/98 - Oz

I took last night with Giles. Everyone else is pretty trashed from having to watch both of us for the last three nights. Luckily, it doesn’t sound like my wolf self caused too much trouble.

Was a quiet night. It’s like he’s slipped into the routine of us just being around. Not a grumble when I checked his back and put the antibiotic cream on. He was engaged but subdued when I shared some more music with him. I’m thinking, two weeks without a complete night’s sleep will do that. The man is exhausted. He spent another three hours on the phone with people who didn’t seem too happy to hear his voice. Sounds like he’s hitting the bottom of the barrel, calling in favors he doesn’t have just to get a few more people looking for Buffy. We need to watch him, guys. A sadistic vampire bent on ending the world couldn’t break him, but his Slayer just might do it by making him worry. Wouldn’t that be the ironic way of the Hellmouth?

I don’t think he wants to come out and say it because we’ll worry about him, but I’ve seen hints that he wants to start patrolling. I tried to slip it into the conversation that it’s been really quiet since the whole Acathla thing was a bust. I suggested that Xander and I could go talk to Willy and see if anything’s stirring. From the look in his eyes, I could tell he wasn’t sure about sending a couple of ‘kids’ down there, but it’d also make him feel better to know. We’ll go together, and in the daytime, should be safe enough.

As for sleep, he was restless again. I tried not to wake him, but I could tell he wouldn’t feel any better in the morning. I heard him say Willow’s name, and more begging for the ‘children’. It’s that nightmare again.

On a good note, looks like the thought I had about something Giles would like might turn out. Gotta get with Cordy to see if her dad can pull some strings. Don’t want to get anyone’s hopes up. I’ll let you know if we can make it happen.

6/5/98 - Xander

I MADE TEA!!! Last night I fixed it while he was in the shower. One of his green mugs has a little defect inside that tells you how much milk to put in. Then I let the water boil before adding it to the tea in the pot. And when it smelled like it does when he goes to get it, I poured the cup and added that sugar he likes. I gave it to him when he came out in his night clothes and sat down to read. He took a sip before he had a chance to remember who made it. And guess what… He looked up at me and smiled. And it wasn’t that ‘the boy’s not bright but he tries so hard’ smile I’m used to getting from him. It was a genuine ‘this is good and will help me relax’ smile. It was his proud smile. God, it felt so good to see that. It’s been so long since I’ve seen him smile at all, and I think the only ones that ever got that smile were Buffy and Willow. Now I know why they always grinned when he smiled at them. It feels good.

We went to Willy’s Bar yesterday. Turns out Giles insisted on going with Oz and me. But, when we went in, he sat down quietly and let us do the talking. Things were going fine until Willy started to try to get to him. Told him he “sure looked the worse for wear after that little encounter with Angel”. And started riding him about “losing his Slayer”. That’s when Oz and me lost our patience, but I think it was the look in the big guy’s eyes that put the real fear in the little snitch. He finally told us that Angel had a ‘follow me or get out’ policy when it came to other vamps in town. He said it was quiet for now, but they’ll start trickling back in when they hear Angel’s been dealt with. If you ask me, every extra day Giles doesn’t have to worry about our local vamp population is one more blessing.

I ended up up stairs again last night. I wish I had Cordy’s or Willow’s touch to sooth him at night. All I can do is be there and let him know he’s not alone. Not much, but I hope it’s enough.

6/6/98 - Cordelia Chase

Xander and I took Giles for a walk yesterday. His doctor told him that he should start exercising his hip again and that might help it stiffen up a little less. I don’t know about you guys, but it’s really kind of painful to watch him make his way across the room after he’s been sitting for too long. He said that, now that the inflammation in the joint has gone down, he can start building the strength back up. Of course, we had to keep him from over-doing it. He’s so anxious to get out and start doing stuff, he just doesn’t think about himself. We made sure the walk was in the evening before the sun set, to avoid any nasties. And we went down to the end of the block and back. By the time we turned around, both of us could tell he was starting to hurt. When we got back, he was moving so slow it took us forever to cross the courtyard. Xander made sure to stay close to him, let him know he had a steady shoulder if he needed it. But, you know Giles, had to do it himself. Whoever gets him tonight, just remember he’ll still be stiff and sore. Make sure he takes it easy.

One more thing. Giles has nosy neighbors! I mean really… I ran out to pick up dinner for the three us last night, and when I got back I was accosted by this wrinkly old bag. She grabbed my arm when I was walking past her door and started whispering to me. She said she’s noticed us “young people” going to and from “that man’s” apartment and wanted to know if we needed help. As if Giles was running some pedophile porn ring or something. I swear, do all the adults in this town have sick minds? I told her that I’m sorry if her kids are too busy to come visit her, but in our little family we take care of each other. And if our uncle Giles is hurt and needs us we’ll be there for him no matter what anyone else thinks. Then she was trying to tell me that the police were there a couple months ago and they think he killed his girlfriend, just can’t prove it. Can you believe that old bitch? She’s lucky I didn’t slap her! I told her that we were all still mourning our aunt Jenny and Giles never killed anyone. And my father has the best lawyers around, so if she wanted to keep up with the slander she could expect us to bring her world down around her.

This is really starting to get on my nerves. Giles may be a little weird, but he’s also so sweet. If any of you see the old bat next door sniffing around, let me know and I’ll take care of it.

6/7/98 - Willow

Xander stayed with Giles last night. He said things went the same as normal. Hard to believe we’re calling this normal now. But I need to write about what happened this afternoon. I have to tell you why the man who’s been trying so hard, mainly for our sakes, is now passed out on the couch in front of me. Guess the best place to start is at the beginning.

It’s a beautiful Friday today. Xander took Cordy to the beach so they can spend time together before her parents take her away for the summer. Oz had an all day practice with the Dingos. I figured, rather than sit home alone, I’d take the college application essays I’ve been writing over to Giles’ place and ask him to look over them with me. I thought he’d enjoy just helping me with normal old tutor stuff and it’d get his mind off other things for a while.

When I got here he was practically screaming into the phone. It took me a while to figure out a poor policeman was on the other end trying to calm him down. I put a hand on his shoulder. Having me there made him remember to breathe but he was tense as a boulder. Giles said into phone, “Please, could you just describe the Jane Doe to me.” That’s when I forgot to breathe. I read over his shoulder as he wrote down what he was being told. Height 5’4”. Hair blond. Eyes hazel. Scarring at back of neck. Giles’ hand was shaking so bad he had to put his pen down. I had tears in my own eyes when he whispered into the phone, “Yes, I can come identify the body. But I won’t be able to make it to Portland before tomorrow.”

That’s when I eased the phone away from him. I asked the officer if anyone there knew how to use email. When he said yes, I explained to him how Mr. Giles wasn’t really fit to travel and asked if they could email me a picture. Luckily, I had my laptop with me and could hook it up to Giles’ phone line. The officer agreed. I think he felt a little sorry for us. So I thanked him and hung up.

While I hooked up the computer, Giles limped over to the counter and poured himself a drink, then went to his chair. You guys all know how he’s been trying so hard, what with all the medication he’s been taking and how he doesn’t like us to see him drinking. But this was just too much. First the thinking Buffy might be dead, then the waiting for the proof. After I finished, I went to take the empty glass out of his hand. He looked up at me with surprise when I brought it back full and gave it to him. What else could I do? He needed something, and that was all I had to give him. I even considered taking a sip myself, but that wouldn’t have helped. I needed to take care of him.

It took over an hour before I got the message. Over an hour! How could they make someone suffer like that and wait so long? I clicked on the attachment and the picture opened and filled my screen. We both stared at it numbly for a moment, then let out a breath. I wasn’t Buffy. It felt odd, looking at this poor, murdered young girl and feeling happy. All because it wasn’t Buffy. I quickly typed a response telling the Portland Police we couldn’t identify the girl and thanking them for their help. Then I went back to the living room and sat with Giles, both of us quietly trying not to weep, determined to be strong for each other. Eventually he finished off the bottle and fell asleep on the couch.

I’m gonna stay with him tonight. I’ll be calling everyone to say I’ve got him. It’s bad enough that I see him like this. He doesn’t need anyone else wandering in. If he wakes up later I’ll get him up to bed. But part of me hopes he doesn’t. I hope he gets to spend a good, long time in oblivion.

6/8/98 - Oz

Willow got the big guy through the night. I wish she would have let me go help her. When I went to pick her up and take her home this morning she cried for nearly an hour. Another problem is, now Giles is double determined to get out and go after Buffy. I promised him I’d go back later and help him exercise, after I got Willow into her own bed to rest.

On a happy note, we did it. Cordy and I are still the only ones who know what we’re doing tomorrow night. Hopefully, it will be the break that all of us desperately need.

6/10/98 - Willow

It’s about three-thirty in the morning again. But this time I can’t sleep because I’m so excited. Tonight was wonderful, magical, unbelievable, perfect! We just got home a little while ago. I’m on the couch, the guys are sacked out on the floor in their sleeping bags, and Cordy is up in Giles’ room. I should be as exhausted as everyone else, but…

Oz put me and Xand in charge of packing a picnic, but he kept where we were going a secret. I made a salad and some sandwiches, Xander loaded us up on junk food. We all met at Giles’ place this afternoon to kidnap him. Of course, he wasn’t happy. Oz finally broke down and told him we were going to L.A. I think he came just so he could scan the streets for Buffy.

After two hours in the van, Oz pulled off the highway and into this strange parking lot that had several long lanes where everyone just parked in long lines. Guess they don’t have problems with people leaving early. We got out and Cordy ran to the box office while we gathered up the basket and everything. Xander made sure to help Giles, sitting so long in the car wasn’t the best for him. Cordy met up with us at the gate, there weren’t many people there yet that early. She led us in and to a box right in front of the stage. Oh, I’ve never been to the Hollywood Bowl before. It was so beautiful! The stage looked kind of like a seashell. You could tell it was built to collect all the music and send it out to the audience. And behind us, there were some more special boxes, then the seats rose up and up the hill, then there was a big, green lawn at the top with other picnickers scattered everywhere. It was like you could feel the excitement of every performance they ever had there.

I watched Giles look around for a while as we set up the food on the table that was in our box. Oz took pity and finally plopped a program down in front of him. It had one big word printed across it. Clapton! Giles’ eyes first went wide, then began to fill with tears. First there was the amazed stuttering. And then, of course, came the objections. “You children shouldn’t have done this.” “It’s too much money.” “I can’t accept.” “Let me pay for…” At last, Cordelia told him to just shut up and accept it. She explained her dad was friends with the head of the company that does the promotions for the Bowl and they have season tickets for VIPs. Then Oz had a friend that works there as a stage hand and, at the last minute, got us the upgrade. “So there, all free. And you’d better damn well like it!” Gotta admit Cordy has a way with stopping Giles in his tracks. He finally relented and just whispered thank you.

One of the best parts might have been when our neighbors got there. It was a ‘Girls Night Out’ party. They were all very taken with the handsome Englishman. They just assumed he had come to chaperone ‘all these charming young people’ and that was very good of him. We didn’t contradict them. It was so cute watching him blush every time they complemented him.

The sun set and it was time for the concert to start. I admit I’m not into music as much as Oz and Giles, but Eric Clapton was amazing. He had the whole crowd, and the place was packed, in the palm of his hand. And the music just swept you away. I was watching, it took about two songs for Giles to close his eyes and let go. Eventually, he was up and singing along like everyone else. And I’d swear he knew the words to all the songs.

There was one song, Oz told me it’s call ‘Tears in Heaven’. It was so pretty and so sad. Oz says Clapton wrote it for his son, but when I looked at the tears on Giles’ cheeks my heart broke. It was easy to tell who he was thinking about. So much had been taken from him, why did Miss Calendar have to go, too? And why did Buffy have to be all vindictive and keep them apart for so long? It’s not fair. I wanted to go hug him, but the others stopped me. It’s better he doesn’t know we can see when he’s crying.

My favorite part of the night was during the encore. Eric finished the show and we all screamed like maniacs for him to come back. He came out and played ‘Wonderful Tonight’. I was dancing with Oz and Cordy was with Xander. And somehow, both Cordy and I looked up at the same time and saw Giles swaying by himself. We both moved at once, and suddenly our Watcher had two girls in his arms. It didn’t take him long to figure out what to do with us. I’m not sure when Cordy disappeared, but soon it was just me leaning against Giles’ chest, swaying back and forth to the music. Even when Eric stopped singing, they just went on playing forever. At one point I opened my eyes and saw Oz watching us with a smile on his face. Giles felt so solid there against me, as if he could shelter and protect me from anything. It was how I always saw him before, but these last few weeks, watching him fight so hard to regain his strength have been so difficult. When the music did end, he kissed the top of my head and thanked me. One of the most magical moments of my life and he thanked me! I can’t believe I got to dance with Giles.

Oh, and on the way home, he was pulling phone numbers out of all his pockets. Don’t know how those ladies got them all over him without him realizing, but I’d like to thank them for more adorable blushing.

The guys are throwing stuff at me now. Guess I should turn off the light and go to sleep. Maybe I’ll dream of dancing.

6/12/98 - Xander

It seems the last two nights have been good. Giles still wakes up at night, but not screaming. I’m sure he’s even been extra careful not to wake the person staying with him up. I’m not saying the concert trip cured all the fucked up things Angel did to him, but a day of fun and life looks like it helped. Score one for Willow having the plan and for Oz finding the perfect thing to do.

In other news, I have to thank this stupid book for adding to my personal bag ‘o nightmares. I know Willow was only trying to help us figure out how to help Giles, but… I’ve had the same nightmare ever since that night, but this is the third time it’s had the special addition, an alternate ending.

Goes like this. So, I’m in the mansion, running for room to room. It’s like a giant maze, and no matter which way I turn Buffy’s there hacking at vamps with her sword. After what seems like forever, I finally make it. I find the right room and I find Giles. But I’m always too late. He’s slumped there, tied to that chair, already dead. There’s nothing I can do to bring him back. Nothing I can do to help him. Well, that’s the normal dream. But, now I run in and I see Willow chewing on his neck. She’s draining the last of his blood. And then she looks over at me with horrible, yellow eyes.

God, I can’t believe, even gone, that vampire is getting in my head. That he even thought about turning Willow. That he told Giles he wanted to watch our little Willow murder him.

And I tell you, in my dreams Wils makes a damn scary vamp. Promise me you’ll never get turned. I don’t think I could face that.

Sometimes I wish Giles knew how much we know. I want to talk to him, tell him the dreams I’m having and that I understand. But I know he needs to show us that hard shell. He believes he always has to be strong for us. Just once I want him to know he’s not alone in these fears.

6/13/98 - Cordelia Chase

I’m leaving with my parent’s tonight. We’re going to some resort. I hope it’s near a beach. A whole summer without waves is not my idea of a vacation.

Anyway, I stayed with Giles last night. Don’t ask why I felt like I should. Some weird part of me I don’t understand needed to make sure he’s all right before I leave. This has been a really strange summer for me. I mean, am I growing as a person or something?

Oh yeah, talking about Giles. So, I know the doctors are trying to wean him off all the medications now. If they only knew how hard we’ve been working to get him to take the damn things. Anyway, even so, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to give him the full dose of the sleeping pills. He’s finally actually sleeping, and God does he need it. And yes, I let him think he was sneaking a nightcap or two.

I offered him another back rub. It’d be his last chance after all. He said no, that he was fine, and when he settled in to sleep it seemed to come quickly. I know it’s creepy, but I just sat there watching him for a while. Remembering all the things we’ve gone through, all the things this guy has survived. I’m not the type to do the soul searching thing, but I think I’m really starting to think of the librarian as like a friend. A real one. It’s not a normal feeling for me. But I do want him to be all right, and even happy.

He wasn’t asleep ten minutes before he started dreaming. He was mumbling, talking to someone. I knew this was going to turn into a nightmare and I couldn’t take watching him go through that anymore. So I did the only thing I could think of. And this is where everyone but Willow can butt out and meet me at the end of this entry.

WILLOW’S EYES ONLY

_Je suis par écrit ceci en Français because I know you got an A in that class and I learned it on vacation in Paris last summer. Plus, the boys, especially Xander, won’t take the time to translate it. I’m not proud of what I did and will never admit to it if questioned. I’m trusting you here not to go spreading it around, and only telling you in case he needs you to do it again. I swear, start a rumor and I’ll bury you._

_When he started dreaming, he was talking to Jenny. It was like he saw her there with him. But then he got agitated and started calling like he couldn’t find her. So I went and whispered in his ear. I tried to sound like her. I said, “I’m here, England.” Cause that’s what she used to call him, right? I pay attention. He immediately smiled and told me he thought he’d lost me. God, I so wanted not to cry last night. I said, “No, I’m here with you.” He said stuff I couldn’t understand for a while. Then he giggled and said I felt so good. I NEVER TOUCHED HIM._

_But it was his dream, and would probably be one of the few good memories he would have of her. So I said, “You make me feel so good.” OK, when his hands started moving I jumped away so fast… But they never made it out from under the covers. He said he needed me and that he didn’t want to ever let me go again. So I went back to sit by him. I kinda brushed some of his hair back and told him something sappy like I was in his heart so he never had to let me go. I don’t know, I’m new at this! Then he sighed, and shifted, and that’s when I notice his hands weren’t the only bumps moving under the covers._

_God, I don’t know why I even started telling you this. And isn’t he too old for that kind of stuff anyway!?! That’s when he said he wanted to feel me and asked me to touch him. My mind was half way out the door before my body could move. However, I finish what I start. So I said the only thing I could think of. I told him I wanted to watch him touch himself. He giggled and said I was silly, but I could tell he was following my instructions. Thankfully, he was quiet about it. He gave one long groan at the end. It was a strangely sad sound to make when you’ve just… Then he whispered, “I love you, Jenny.” You know, I really don’t let people rip my heart out like this. I couldn’t help it. I kissed his forehead and said, “I love you, too, England. Now go to sleep.” And he fell back into a deep sleep. What else was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just sit there and let him go through seeing her dead again._

_He got up really early this morning and went to take a shower. I didn’t let on I was awake. When I went downstairs he was all blushy and wouldn’t look at me. I could tell he was terrified that I might have heard or seen something. I acted normal, but told him I had to pack and left right away. If he found out, I think he might die of embarrassment before I did. Please, just keep this one to yourself. If not for my sake, for his._

ALL RIGHT. THE GUYS CAN COME BACK.

You guys, please take care of him. I don’t want to come back and find him worse than he is now. He really does need someone to care. See you when school starts.

6/14/98 – Watcher-watch Update by Oz

Cordelia’s gone on vacation with her parents now. So that brings us down to three. Devon told me that a friend of his is working on booking a tour of local bands to go up and down the coast. I’d hate to leave with everyone still recovering, but Willow says I shouldn’t give up this chance for the band.

Xander’s at the doctor’s today. He’s finally getting his cast off. I think we’re throwing a little celebration for him tonight. Wil’s been big on pointing out the happy times lately.

Giles appears to be doing better. It might be time to start seeing if he’s good on his own at night. I know he appreciates us, but he’ll be happy for his privacy again. This doesn’t mean we’ll stop visiting him. We’ve noticed he’s been searching the newspapers again, looking for signs of vamp activity. I don’t think he’ll go out on his own, but we’ll be ready to help him. The lack of word on Buffy is getting to him again. We need to watch that he doesn’t get too depressed. We all know what can happen if he does.

6/15/98 -- Willow

We had some ice cream at Giles’ for Xander last night. He was having a good time showing us all the things he could do with his arm again. Flexing it and twisting it and picking stuff up. Even Giles started to chuckle a little at his clowning around. It was really nice.

Then came the point when Giles got up, walked to the kitchen, and brought back a tray full of drinks for everyone. That’s the moment we all looked at each other and were sure. Giles didn’t need us anymore. Well… he does, just not the constant watching and doing things for him stuff. So we all sat down and had a talk about it. He said he was ready. He told us he appreciated our concern and everything we’d been doing for him, but it was time. And, of course, he turned into our old Watcher-man and started talking about how it wasn’t fair for him to take up all of our vacation time and things like that.

Even so, Xander made him swear he’d call us if he needed any kind of help. He even grabbed the biggest book he could find off Giles’ shelves and made him take an oath on that. Neither Giles or I had the heart to tell him it was only an atlas of ancient European maps. Oops… Guess you’ll find out when you read this, Xand. But I do know the thought behind it really touched Giles. Somehow, I think he lives his life believing that people don’t actually care about him, and when someone shows him how much they do, he doesn’t know how to respond. That’s why it seemed like he was just humoring us. But I’m sure he was serious when he promised to call.

After we cleaned up and talked it over I still didn’t want to leave him alone. For a while it all started to feel so right. Having someone to take care of, who appreciated what I could do for them. I never thought it’d be so hard for me when it stopped. I guess I hadn’t realized how much being there with him was helping me too. But, somehow, I think Giles knew all along. Before we left, I told him he could call me at any time during the night, no matter what he needed to talk about. He gave me that comforting pat on the shoulder and said the same went for me. I’ve spent very few nights at home alone since everything happened. I wonder if he knew that all this time he was looking after me as much as I was taking care of him.

He didn’t call during the night. Although, I know that doesn’t mean he slept well. Being alone in this empty house didn’t do much to help my dreams. The guys will be here soon to pick me up for lunch. We’re gonna swing by and check on Giles. He’ll, of course, tell us he’s fine. I’m not sure I am.

6/18/98 – Xander

The last few days have been really quiet. In fact, with Cordy gone and not constantly worrying about the big guy, I kinda don’t know what to do with myself. We still meet up for a while every day. We call or swing by to see if Giles needs anything. He does seem to be doing better on his own now… That, or he bucks up when we’re around so we’ll stop treating him like, well like a guy who was TORTURED a month ago! Sorry, but sometimes I wonder if he knows he’s allowed to milk this kind of thing and not be the normal stiff-upper-lip British guy. Wow, I don’t think I realized I would miss helping him so much.

In other news, I went by Buffy’s house to see her mom again. She’s doing the adult thing too, and saying we don’t have to worry about her. But I can see how much she misses Buffy. I wish I had the first idea of where she might have gone. I have these daydreams where I go and bring her back and I get to be the hero. But I’m no hero. At least they’re better than the nightmares. Yep, still having fun with those. Dead Giles, Vamp Willow, Buffy losing, me sniveling in a corner and useless, the works. Have you guys noticed that sometimes our lives just plain suck? Anyway, I hung around with Joyce for a while. Mowed the lawn for her and did all the other manly chores I could think of. Mostly, I think she liked having a teenager around for a while. And I really liked being there for her. She’s a really good mom.

I thought I’d make an entry today because we’re about to go out and do something that’s probably really stupid. Figured it’d be good to write down what’s going on somewhere in case all of our bodies are found in the morning. I knew it when we walked into the G-man’s apartment earlier today. There were newspapers spread all over his desk and a big red circle around one of the obits. Death from spontaneous neck rupture. Code words for a vampire attack. I guess the word is out. No more Angelus in SunnyD, welcome back vamps! And the look on Giles’ face when we called him on it… You guys know he was planning to go out there on his own, right? He didn’t want to put ‘the children’ in danger. Boy, he caved super fast when he saw the look in Willow’s eyes. After everything, he was gonna go out and try to get himself killed. Well, if he didn’t realize what that would do to us before, Willow sure made it clear to him. Have I told you how much I love you, Girl? That’s my Wils, the power to bring a grown man to his knees with a glare.

After that argument, Giles went into business mode. All the signs point to this guy rising tonight. And it had to be a big guy, too. No pushover for us on our first time out without the Slayer. All four of us are going tonight. We’re hoping for strength in numbers. And I’m not sure any of us are really up for this. Too late to back out now. Time to go mount up.

6/19/98 -- Willow

I’m calm now. I am. Not mad anymore, no not me. But what was the big idiot thinking anyway? I mean, how could he try to do that to us? Stupid, stupid man with a death wish! But I’m not angry. Not anymore.

I’m thinking I should write about what happened last night now. We all went out. There was a new gave of a man who’s death had all the signs of someone who was turned by a vampire. So, it was four against one. Even without Buffy, it’s not like we didn’t know what we were doing. The Slayerettes to the rescue. But he was so big, and so strong. And when he attacked, he threw us around like rag dolls. And then Giles… He had Giles, and I thought that was it. We’d gone through all that just to watch him get himself killed by an ordinary vampire.

I’m not wigging. I’m calm. We were out there, sitting around that grave for hours. Xander was the first to get bored, of course, so we started playing games. I asked Giles to give us a puzzle to work on, and he smiled and thought of a riddle for us. He knew I was trying to help Xand stay focused, so he gave us a pretty easy one and I helped give hints without spoiling it. Sorry, Xander, but you did get the answer, so yay. The point is, we had sat down and were talking when the vampire came out of the grave.

He was massive! First he hit Oz and sent him over the headstone, then he picked up Xander and threw him a couple rows down. And then he turned and started coming for me. I had my cross up and a bottle of holy water ready. But I heard Giles yell, “She’s not for you, I am.” He had no defenses up and the vampire rushed him. They collided and went down hard. I know the whole thing lasted less than a minute, but it felt like forever. Giles was throwing wild punches, but didn’t have any weapon. They rolled around a little and then the vamp was on top of him, pounding his head into a monument. And, for a heart-stopping moment, I was sure Giles stopped fighting back and was lying there just waiting for the final bite.

The three of us reached them at the same time and Xander drove his stake into the vamp’s back. It howled in anger and then poofed. And, when the dust settled, Giles was lying there all unconscious. I was so scared. I thought we were too late. But, a few moments later, he opened his eyes and blinked at us. In that first instant, I swear I saw disappointment on his face. I think I might have lost it at that point. I started crying and shouting at him. Next thing I knew I was on the ground with Giles holding me. He was telling me he was all right, and that he was sorry for frightening me. Doesn’t he understand what losing him too would do to us?

When they had me calmed down, we tried to get Giles to let us take him to the hospital to get his head checked out. Of course, he didn’t want to go. Said he was fine, even though he had a dizzy spell on the way home. I didn’t want to leave him in that condition, just in case, but I was still really upset. So Xander stayed to keep an eye on him, and Oz brought me home.

You guys keep trying to convince me he didn’t do it on purpose, but I know. I saw it in his eyes. We can’t lose him now. We can’t let him try to take himself away from us again. No more vamp hunts for him. Not until he gets this stupid death wish out of his system!

6/19/98 – Xander

I see Wil already told the story, but I thought I’d write down what happened later. After Oz took Willow home last night, Giles was really quiet. He sat for a long time just holding his mug and staring at nothing. I still had graveyard ground into my face, so I decided to grab a quick shower. When I came back out Giles hadn’t moved an inch.

I’ll admit now that I wasn’t as calm as I made out last night. Seeing Wils so wigged really got to me. So, when I sat on the couch, I finally asked him if he understood why she was so upset. At first he was startled, like he didn’t realize I was there, but then he looked at me with that expression on his face. You know, the one with the little smile that basically says, ‘I know I’m supposed to be the grown up here, but that doesn’t mean I can’t be stupid sometimes’? I tried not to get on his case, him being hurt again and all, but I wanted him to get it. Then he admitted that Willow’s reaction was all he’d been thinking about since we’d gotten back. He said his actions were rash and thoughtless, and he didn’t think about the repercussions from our point of view. He didn’t come right out and admit it, but I got the impression that he thought his death would do no more than take a huge burden off of our shoulders. He doesn’t get it, Wil! We can try to show him how much we do care, but he doesn’t know how to accept that as reality. When he looks at himself right now, all he sees is a massive screw up. Believe me, I know how that feels. You gotta cut him a little slack when he’s not thinking straight.

And I don’t think you should expect him to try to apologize or anything. Just the fact that you are mad at him seems to have affected him a bunch. I think he’s a little afraid to even bring it up to you.

One more thing, Wils. You gave him a good scare, too. Seeing that vamp turn on you wasn’t easy for any of us. I don’t know what he would have done if you had been the one to get hurt, but I know it wouldn’t be good. He had dreams of you getting hurt last night. He won’t admit it, but I know he did. I heard him cry out for you.

Sometimes, I wish we could let him read this book one day. Maybe then he might understand he means so much more to us than he thinks he does.

6/20/98 – Oz

Today is the first time Willow sent us to go check on Giles without her. She said it’s because her parents were coming home today and she wants to be there to greet them. Only, we were headed that way at one and her folks weren’t due in ‘til six. Xander spent all yesterday trying to go to bat with her for Giles, but, deep down, Willow does know how to hold a grudge. Even when she’s the only one that knows it exists. Thing is, I think I know my girl pretty well, and I can’t tell if she’s more upset or just plain scared. Not sure she can either.

Giles did his best not to look disappointed when it was just us, but he’s not that good right now at hiding his emotions. I think he’s so overwhelmed it’s even overpowering his Britishness. First everything with Angel, and then Buffy vanishing… I don’t know how long he can take Willow being mad at him on top of it all. Believe me, few people on Earth have known the full wrath of Willow and it doesn’t feel good. Please don’t make him endure it for long.

Devon says the tour is going ahead and almost completely booked. In a week I go wolf again and we’re supposed to leave in three days. The guys have accepted the excuse that my grandma is having surgery and are letting me sit out that weekend, so I’ll make it back. I hate to be a burden on you guys like this every month.

6/23/98 – Willow

I saw Oz and the band off today. The guys are so excited about their first big tour. By now they should be in Fresno. I’m sure they’ll have a great time and everyone will love them. The last thing Oz did before he left was beg me to go see Giles. He says I’m making him suffer for no reason. Maybe I am being too hard on him, but I got really mad. The thing is, I’ve mainly been staying away so he won’t see how mad I am at him. I really didn’t mean to make him suffer.

So I went over there today. Just me by myself. When he opened the door, he looked like he hadn’t shaved in two day and he smelled like alcohol. The look on his face when he saw me almost broke my heart. I didn’t know… I really didn’t. I don’t understand how not seeing me for a few days could do that to a person. I’m not that important. At first I got scared and asked him what happened. All he did was say my name. But the way he said it… How can one simple word be so full of emotion? It was an apology and relief and regret and sadness and joy all at the same time. The speech I’d been working on the whole way over there vanished from my head and all my anger melted away. I gave him a hug and said I was sorry.

I stayed there with him most of the day. His place was a mess, with newspapers from all over the country spread everywhere. He’d been looking for signs of vamp activity. Looking for traces of Buffy. Together we brought some order to the chaos. I think having me there to put the whole thing in a research mode perspective helped a lot to get his mind back in focus. I finished using the notes he’d made to separate the papers into possible categories and, after working for a bit, he disappeared for a while and came back all cleaned up.

After a few more hours of sifting through all the information, we found a report of a woman that said she had been rescued from an attack by a good samaritan. It said a gang had cornered her, but what caught our attention was the use of the pronoun ‘she’ when she talked about her rescuer. Giles decided he needed to go talk to this woman. He asked me to call the airport while he ran up to pack a bag. By the time he came back down, I was hanging up with Xander. The next flight wasn’t for a few hours and it’d take the two of them less time than that to drive to San Diego. At first he didn’t want to take Xand, but I kept him arguing until he got there. We told him that until he was a hundred percent we weren’t letting him run around the country by himself. I think, after my last bout of being mad at him for doing something stupid, he didn’t want to try his luck again so soon.

The guys set off and I promised that by the time they got there I would have everything they needed to know about the witness. Giles has stopped asking about the legality of my information gathering techniques. I got them a name and address and gave it to them when they called a little while ago. Now all I can do is wait here.

6/25/98 – Xander

We got back from our trip a while ago. It was a bust. No Buffy. We went to the address Willow gave us and the lady there was still a little shaky. Luckily, the G-man was able to turn on the old charm and she was more than happy to talk to him for a while. You think when I’m his age I’ll be able to flirt with the ladies like that? On second thought, you think he would teach me how to do it now? Anyway, he gave her a story about being with an organization that wanted to give her rescuer an award. She was happy about that and invited us in to talk over snacks. I think she might have heard my stomach saying that we skipped lunch.

So, the up-shot is, turns out the girl that helped her didn’t really fight off a gang of vamps as much as call 911, yell really loud, and scare off some punks. The girl also had dark hair and was apparently very tall. So, not Buffy. We thanked her for telling us her story and said we’d look into who the stranger might be. She told Giles he could stop by to ask her more questions any time.

When we got back in the car I could see the disappointment hanging over him like a cloud. We spent all last night and this morning just driving around San Diego hoping to spot Buffy on the street somewhere. I finally turned for home when the big guy started reacting to every blond we saw.

I know he’ll never stop looking, but if all the dead-ends tear him up inside like this one did, I don’t know how long he’s gonna last. Good call sending me with him, Wil. We might have to find another way to lift his spirits sometime soon.

6/28/98 – Willow

Oz came home today. I went to pick him up at the bus station and we went out for a nice dinner. He told me all about the first few days of the tour. Oz describes it as a bunch of guys with less than stellar hygiene sharing a van and grungy hotel rooms while playing at dives every night. I know he’s loving it. He just doesn’t want me to be upset I couldn’t go with him. But I don’t mind. Giles and Xand still need me here, and I’m happy Oz is getting to be awesome with the Dingoes.

We met Giles and Xander at the library to lock up the wolfy for the night. It was nice, all of us… well, most of us hanging out there together. Almost like old times. Giles looks better, too. He brought a new stack of newspapers to go through while we were there. The guys worked on that while I put the finishing touches on my search program for the internet. I tried to explain to Giles how it would automatically search through all the news that goes online and alert me if anything falls within my search parameters. I know he had no idea what I was talking about, what with the technical stuff, but he got the drift. At one point, while I was explaining, he got this far away look on his face and I got a little worried. But he quickly told me it was a good memory. It just reminded him of a time Miss Calendar was trying to get some computer stuff through his thick head. He smiled. It was a sad smile, but I think he was all right.

We didn’t find anything, so Xander pulled out a pack of cards and we talked Giles into playing for a while. The campus was empty and Oz was being good in his cage. I think all of it made Giles relax more than he has been lately.

Public service announcement: don’t play poker with Giles! The man will beat you. He’s a shark in sheep’s clothing. Xander now owes him seven hours of re-shelving books when school starts.

About midnight he sent us both home and took the overnight shift with Oz. It was a little bit of normalcy that we didn’t have the heart to take away from him. I’ll get there early to relieve him in the morning.


	3. July and Beyond

7/1/98 – Oz

I have to catch the bus to head back out again soon. Just thought I’d jot down some of what went on over the weekend before I go. So, Willow’s mom signed her up for this seminar at the college on how to give university interviews. Willow didn’t know about this ‘til Saturday and ended up having to go alone. Xan and I decided to make it a guy’s weekend and get Giles out to breathe a little. He didn’t want to do anything we suggested until Xander asked if he could show us a few moves, now that we’re going to have to do the patrolling without the Slayer. He seemed to perk up at this, thinking it was a good idea, and saying he should get back into practice for when Buffy returns. All of us knew you wouldn’t like it, Willow. I’m not telling you this so you can get angry at him, or us. I only want you to know what happened. Giles knows if he tries to go patrolling again anytime soon you’ll blow a fuse.

Anyway, we headed over to the library for the workout gear. It was a nice day so we got set up out on the green. Giles taught us a few self defense moves for if we get in trouble with a vamp. He seemed to really enjoy teaching again. I even think he smiled while Xander and I were flipping each other around. Then he wanted to spar for a bit. Wanted to take on both of us at once. We thought it’d be all right. I mean, he’s like Yoda, he can handle us easy. Plus, we were gonna go easy on him anyway, at least until he recovers a little more. But then he kept telling us to hit him harder, and sometimes missed blocks on purpose so we’d make contact. It was almost like he was trying to get us to hurt him. He really started to weird us out, but we continued until he shouted, “Come on, Buffy!” and gave Xander a knock that rang his bell.

As soon as Giles realized what he’d done he apologized, got really quiet, and gathered things up to go back inside. It was his classic retreat to the office move for when he doesn’t know how to deal with us. Xander tried to tell him he was fine, but Giles just gave him that apologetic look and retreated to be alone. We decided not to go after him. What were we supposed to say? This is something he needs to figure out for himself. If Buffy doesn’t come back, I’m not sure what’s going to happened to him.

Willow, I know you’ll have the urge to try to fix this for him. You can’t. None of us can. He’s a Watcher without his Slayer. How can any of us understand what that means?

7/4/98 -- Xander

So, both me and Wils got an interesting call from Giles this morning. He told us that Buffy’s mom got a hold of him last night and invited him to her house for a little BBQ. She said she knew he didn’t have anyone to spend the holiday with and was ready to ask him some questions. Giles said he asked her if she’d mind us tagging along and she invited us all. I think he wanted a little buffer. This is the first time she’s actually talked to him since she found out about his connection to Buffy and all the Slayer stuff. Can’t really blame the guy for wanting some backup at first. We both agreed to meet him there for lunch. Hey, it sounded like fun. I’m always looking for a reason to get away from my family on holidays, and I don’t think Willow’s mom lets them celebrate Independence Day. Something about promoting the atrocities of war, or whatever.

Ms. Summers had a super nice spread laid out for us when we got there. I’m not sure if she knew it was down to just the three of us right now. She said a friend of hers helped make all the food. Can’t remember what her name was now. But boy was it delicious. I always thought it’d be awesome to have a mom that could cook. Anyway, she fired up the grill and we hung out in the back yard. Everyone was smiling and making small talk, but it was impossible not to notice the tension between Giles and Buffy’s mom. I could see Willow offer him little smiles of support all day, but we didn’t know what else we could do for either of them.

We had just finished eating at the table out back when Ms. Summers looked over at Giles and said, “All right, tell me. Tell me everything.” Giles nodded and started into his ‘one girl in all the world’ speech. Joyce sat quietly and listened. And I didn’t even interrupt with my special brand of humor, mostly ‘cause Willow’s elbow was in my ribs. Ms. Summers asked some questions, and when it seemed like she had a handle on what a Slayer is, she started asking about Watchers and what Giles is to Buffy. He answered everything the best he could, and we tried to back him up when he wasn’t sure he was explaining something right. I think it really hit her hard when she realized that most Slayers weren’t allowed to stay with their families. Willow pointed out that Giles wanted Buffy to be happy and that he had saved all our lives many times.

The last thing she asked about was if he was still looking for Buffy. He told her every waking hour and promised her he would find her daughter and bring her home. When Joyce had no more questions she thanked him for his honesty and for explaining everything to her. A little after that Giles said he was tired and she seemed to remember about his injuries and understand. I told her I’d be by sometime next week to help with the yard work and we all left her to sort through what she had just learned.

I don’t think they’re all right with each other just yet, but it was a start. These things would be so much easier if Buffy was here. I think I’ll take Willow to the beach to see the fireworks tonight. I know she’s been worrying about everyone all this time. Some best friend fun will do her some good.

7/15/98 – Willow

It was finally my turn. This summer has been hard on all of us, so I guess it’s all right for everyone to have their own breakdowns. Things have been good for a long time now. Giles is totally focused on finding Buffy. He and Xander went up to Monterey last week. They didn’t find anything, but Xand says he’s handling the traveling and disappointment a lot better now. He’s probably ready to be the grown up again. Things would probably make more sense to him that way. So, I don’t have to worry about the boys anymore. That’s likely why everything came crashing down on me now.

My parents left yesterday for a month long conference in Sweden. I know they both look forward to this one all year, so it was nice to see them so happy. But everything was just so quiet after they left. I know I should be used to it, but this time it seemed like a spooky kind of quiet, not the normal peaceful kind. I would have called Oz to come over, but he’s still on tour. And Xander went on a camping trip with a visiting cousin. He says that side of the family looks down on them, but at least he and his cousin get along. So I tried to shake off the wiggy feeling I had and fixed myself dinner and went to bed.

The dream was just so horrible. It’s making me cry just trying to remember it to write it down. I was wandering alone in the darkness. There were vampires and monsters everywhere. Then, suddenly, I was face to face with Angelus, only he was acting like Angel. And Buffy was there with him and told me that she was leaving with him and she didn’t want me around anymore. I started to cry and found Oz, but he said, “Why are you surprised, it’s not as if you have anything to offer her?” And he turned into the wolf and knocked me down and ran away. Then Xander was there and I wanted to cry on his shoulder, but he started laughing at me and asked if I thought they were just gonna let me hang around and carry me along forever. He said, “Why don’t you go find the old man? Maybe he’ll take pity on you and keep you around to make his tea or something. You are good at that at least, right?” So I looked and looked for Giles. And after forever I finally found him. He greeted me with a warm smile and said I was always welcome. I was such a wreck I just wanted him to hold me and tell things would be all right. But, when I lifted my hands to hug him, this strange purplish energy shot out of them and hit him in the chest. He dropped to the ground and by the time I got to him he was dead, and grey, and cold. I’d killed him. I killed Giles!!! Then suddenly Buffy was chasing me and I woke up.

I was covered in sweat and shaking like a leaf. My room seemed so dark. I picked up the phone and started to dial Buffy. I needed to talk to her so bad. But then I remembered she’s not there. No one was there. It was almost 2 am, but I needed to hear his voice and know he was all right. So I called Giles. When he answered he didn’t sound like I woke him up, but I was still so terrified I couldn’t say anything. Until he got this hopeful tone in his voice and asked, “Buffy, is that you?” I couldn’t do that to him, so I finally found my voice and said it was just Willow. He asked me if I was all right, and I told him I thought so and it was just a bad dream. Then he asked me if my parents were home, and when I told him they weren’t he said to pack what I needed and he would be here shortly to get me. I guess I was so stunned I didn’t even think of arguing. 

Just like he promised, ten minutes later he was at the door to walk me to his car. Giles took me to his place. He asked what I dreamed during the ride and I told him most of it. I didn’t tell him the part about me killing him. How could I? I don’t know what it means. But he nodded and tried to assure me that it would all be fine, that my friends would be back soon and any fool could see that they loved me. I must have been more exhausted than I thought, because by the time we got to the apartment I was pretty much out of it. I’m not sure how, he might have even carried me, but next thing I knew Giles was tucking me into his own bed. Then he sat in our chair with a book and told me I was safe and could sleep now. He said, “It’s time I watch over you for a spell. As things should be.” I must have slept really well after that, because next thing I knew it was morning and Giles was downstairs making breakfast.

When I tried to apologize for bothering him last night, he told me it was his pleasure to look after me for a change. He said this summer has been hard on all of us, but we’d get through it if we stick together. It was almost spooky to hear what I kept saying come for him. 

I miss having my best girlfriend to talk to, but as long as I have you guys and Giles I’ll be all right. My search program got a hit about an hour ago. Giles made sure I was ok before starting his travel plans. I told him Xander would be back today. By nightfall he’ll be in Cleveland meeting with another Watcher there. I guess it’s a big demon town, too. He didn’t have to do all that for me last night, but it really helped that he did. I hope he finds Buffy this time so we can all be together again.

7/18/98 -- Willow

Giles came back from Cleveland today. No sign of Buffy. The other Watcher promised to keep using all his resources in the area to look for her. He seems to be handling it with his old Britishness. We’re right back in search mode.

7/23/98 -- Xander

The big guy says that indications in the newspaper are that the vamp population in town is growing. We’re not sure what to do about it right now. Giles and Wils are still butting heads over patrolling. She’s not gonna let him go at all. Every time he argues with her, she asks him to promise her he won’t die. He says it’s not possible to promise that when he’s only a man dealing with monsters. So she puts her foot down and tells him he can’t go at all. Giles gets all red in the face and starts making that weird clucking sound, but I think secretly he likes that she cares so much about him. When he gives in and says he won’t go, he gives her the same treatment and says he won’t allow us to go either. At least, not until Oz comes home and all of us can look after each other.

I hate that the vamps are taking back the town, but I think they’re both right. Giles pretends he’s not in pain anymore, but sometimes when he’s tired and moves wrong I can see it in his face. He should focus on the search for the Buffster. Oz’s tour ends in less than a week. When he gets back the three of us will see what we can do about making sure there’s a town left for the Slayer to come back to.

7/29/98 – Oz

I’m glad to be back. It was nice to get out and play new venues, but playing in a different place every night can be exhausting. Plus, I missed my Willow. When I got home I thought I sensed some tension between Wil and Giles. Now that I’ve read what’s been going on for the last month, I see why. 

It seems like we’ve developed a strategy now. Giles’ energy is best focused on Buffy, while we try our best with the vamps. Even after this was agreed, Watcher-man pulled Xand and me aside and made us swear not to let anything happen to Willow. He’s worried about all of us, but I think the concern he usually feels for Buffy has combined with his normal worrying for Willow right now. What Angelus told him about things that can happen to the girls is still messing him up inside. He knows we love her, too. In fact, that might be the only reason he trusts us to look after her.

For now, the strategy is to have as much protection as possible, stay together, and do our best not to get killed. Additions to this might develop in time. We’re going out tonight to check out a new grave. Giles has a redeye to catch, but he wants us to check in with him before he leaves. Welcome back to Sunnydale.

7/30/98 – Xander

Vamp got away last night. I guess we can count it as a victory since none of us got hurt or killed. We went about it all wrong. We weren’t organized at all. Maybe if one of us distracted him while the others attacked from different directions… Giles was just happy we were safe, but I think we should talk to him more when he gets back from New Orleans. I’m sure he’ll help us come up with better ideas.

Summer Vamp score: Dusted – 1 Fail – 1

8/7/98 – Willow

We seem to have gotten into a rhythm now. Giles travels somewhere at least once a week. I’m a little afraid he might let himself get too exhausted and aggravate the few things that aren’t fully healed yet. He likes us to believe he’s a hundred percent now, but he doesn’t know how much research I did when we first started helping him. I know the bones are still strengthening and the strained ligaments are still tender. But I also know he has to keep busy or worrying will drive him crazy. So, we’ll keep watching him, and if he drops, we’ll be there to help him back up. It’s all we can do.

Scores:

Giles: New Orleans – No Buffy. But he seemed to like the interesting city.

Slayerettes: Dusted – 1 Fail – 3

8/13/98 -- Oz

We finally got one. At least we seemed to get Xander’s idea right. Willow distracted the new vamp while he and I got a jump on it from behind. I can’t say I liked the way she did it, though. It took too long for us to get there and the vamp got a little too close to her for comfort. Unless we get a lot better at it, this strategy isn’t going to last long.

Updates:

Giles: Phoenix – No luck.

Slayerettes: Dusted – 2 Fail – 4

8/22/98 – Xander

Scores:

Big Guy: Ashland, Or., Nashville, Tn., Reno, Nv. – No, no, no.

Us: Dusted – 3 Fail – 6

9/1/98 – Willow

It’s finally September. School starts at the end of the month. In a couple of weeks Giles will have to go back to start getting the library ready for the school year. I’m glad about this. It will give him something to focus on besides the fact that Buffy hasn’t come home yet. I think he’s always known that if she doesn’t want to be found he doesn’t have a chance. But he’s her Watcher and not trying would feel like failing her all over again. We’ve all tried to convince him that the things that happened weren’t his fault. He tells us he knows that, but I don’t think he believes it. One slip of the tongue while he was being tortured and his mind invaded, and he’ll blame himself for the rest of his life. I wish I could find a spell or something to make it so it never happened.

Scores:

Giles: Durham, Nc., Orlando, Fl. – No Buff. He hated Orlando. He said it was even more sunny and tacky than here. I think the good rant he had about it did him good though.

Slayerettes: Dusted – 5 Fail – 7. Hey, we’re catching up!

9/10/98 – Xander

Giles went to Tijuana this week. Me and Oz begged to go with him. He just gave us that look, like he knew we just wanted to goof off and get in trouble. I am hurt by his assumption. It’s not like we’re total delinquents. Our plan wasn’t to get in trouble. It was to get G-man in trouble! Come on, the guy has to let off some steam or he’s gonna blow a gasket sooner or later. But we were the last people he wanted to take to Mexico. All work and no play makes the Watcher a dull boy. I do really hope he finds something down there.

As for Vamp-fighters-R-us: Dusted – 6 Fail – 8. Been a quiet week.

9/16/98 –Willow

I was supposed to meet Giles at the school this morning. Classes start in a little over a week and he has to unpack the shipments of new textbooks, get them scanned in, and make sure they’re ready for the right teachers. I was gonna help him with all that, but he wasn’t there. I got a book to sit down to wait, but before I knew it over an hour had passed. It’s not like Giles to be late. He counts it as a sin. So, I got scared and called Oz to meet me at his apartment.

When I got there Oz was standing in the living room looking around. He’d just gotten there and hadn’t found anything yet. We called, but the place was quiet. He went to check the loft while I looked around the downstairs for clues. That’s when I found him in the kitchen. He was sprawled on the floor, pale and unconscious. I freaked and screamed for Oz. By the time he got back, I was sitting on the floor with Giles’ head in my lap. Oz handed me a cool towel and I started running it over his face. After what seemed like an eternity, his eyes finally fluttered open. 

We got him some water and helped him drink. When the confusion wore off, I could tell he wasn’t happy. He, of course, expressed his gratitude to us. But he was upset that we had seen him so weak again. He was disappointed in his own body.

When we were able to move him to the couch, he explained that he remembered going in to fix himself breakfast before coming to meet me, and then nothing. He must have collapsed from exhaustion. No one can push themselves as hard as he does for so long and not feel the effects. He doesn’t eat, he doesn’t sleep… What does he expect?

We made him rest on the couch while we fixed some food. Then we all sat down and ate together. That way it was just breakfast with friends and he didn’t feel like we were trying to nurse him again. His color was a lot better after he ate, and he seemed in a better mood, too. When I asked him when the last time he slept was, he wouldn’t look me in the eyes. I knew he had just gotten back from Baltimore, but he went right back into searching the papers and didn’t sleep. He finally told me three days, but I think that was his low estimate, trying not to worry me too much. 

That was it. I sent him straight to bed. When he tried to argue, I told him he could either go to sleep or we could knock him out. And we all know his doctor wouldn’t hesitate to give us the drugs to do it. He said he had to work, and Oz and I told him we would cover for him and get all the computer stuff done while he slept. I was ready to drag him up to bed and knock him out with a mallet. Giles finally admitted he was very tired and promised to get some rest.

When we left, he was taking off his jacket and tie, trying to convince me he was really going to bed. We spent the rest of the day in the library, doing the computer labeling and scans. Snyder only showed up once and seemed to believe us when we told him Giles was in another building. He didn’t seem to want to be there anyway.

I know we talked about Giles working too hard before, but I always thought it was the only way to keep him from losing it. But, if he’s not going to watch his health, we have to. I’ve had it up to here with the finding of the unconscious Giles!

9/29/98 – Xander

Well… I’d say Giles has been being more careful since Wil found him passed out. I think he was really embarrassed about that. But, in true Willow form, she’s been more concerned with him taking care of himself than anything else. I’m pretty sure she calls him every night to make sure he remembers to sleep. Most nights we know he probably tells her what she wants to hear and goes right back to working, but if she can get him to sleep just a few more hours than he would have, that’s something.

School starts tomorrow. I know it’s eating at Giles because it will cut his trips to weekends. I went to see Ms. Summers, to mow the lawn like I have been, and I can tell it’s wearing on her too. This is the time she should be going school shopping with her daughter and getting supplies, but her daughter’s nowhere to be found. And then there’s the rest of us. We’re gonna be seniors. It’s the year we should all have been looking forward to, but our best friend won’t be there. How weird is it that I know I’m going to walk into the school and just expect to see Buffy there? God, it’s been a craptastic summer.

One more thing. Cordy should be back tonight. I’ll see her at school tomorrow. Wonder if she’ll still likes me.

Score: Dusted – 8 Fail – 13

10/6/98 – Willow

BUFFY’S HOME!!! The four of us were out on patrol and she just showed up out of nowhere. There were so many emotions, I think we all went numb for a moment. It was Xander who asked her if she’d gone to see Giles yet. When she said no, I saw a little bolt of anger shoot through his eyes. I know how he felt. I felt it to. It was bad enough that she abandoned all of us, but coming back and not letting Giles know she was all right… Yes, her mom was the most important, but a phone call would have killed her? He went through so much. But she doesn’t know any of it.

We knocked on his door, and when he opened it I know he was just expecting the usual patrol report from us. But when he saw Buffy… He didn’t say anything for a long time, but his eyes lit up like I haven’t seen them in so many months. It was beautiful and heartbreaking all at the same time. We could see so many things he wanted to say to her, but nothing came out until he simply invited us all in. His joy was subtle, but it was there. I think, in that moment, he fully regained all his Britishness. The sad part is that it means the summer is truly over. I’d be surprised if he accepted any kind of help from us anymore.

The Slayer is back, and that means he has to be the stalwart Watcher again. Supporting her quietly from the shadows. At least that’s where he’s comfortable, where he’s happy.

Giles didn’t say anything to Buffy about the things that happened. I’m thinking we should follow his lead and wait to talk to her about what happened to him. It’s not our place if he wants to wait.

10/7/98 – Cordelia Chase

First, this has to be the most depressing book I’ve ever read. I’m glad you guys took such good care of him while I was gone, but damn, how much does the guy have to take.

Anyway, Buffy’s back and it’s drama city again. If Xander says one more thing to me about her acting as if she’d done nothing to effect anyone else… What did he expect? She’s Buffy. And people think I’m a diva.

So now everyone wants to throw a party for her. Yeah, this should go over well.

10/9/98 – Xander

We did the party thing for Buffy. It was crowded and loud and none of us knew what to say to her. There was so much, and it was so long, and she just wanted us to act like everything was the same. Well, it wasn’t. But we can’t tell her about the times we went to her house and knew her mom had been crying. We can’t tell about Giles barely being able to walk and take care of himself for weeks after what Angel did to him. We can’t tell her that Angel was probably going to rape and kill Willow and Cordy, that Me and Oz might have been next in that torture chair just for the fun of it. And that Giles and the rest of us still have nightmares about that vampire. And I can’t tell her that Willow needed her best girlfriend, that I needed to talk to her at least once a day, and that it hurt so much that she wasn’t there.

We didn’t know what to say, until we started saying things. Then WE were what was loud and uncomfortable and hurtful. And I know it was me doing a lot of shouting, but I was so angry and you know how my temper boils until it explodes. I hate that I exploded at Buffy, but there were things she needed to know.

Well, there’s nothing quit as healing as a zombie attack. Welcome back, Buffy, Sunnydale loves you! When those windows busted in I might have pissed myself a little, but it was us and Buffy fighting side by side. And when the dust settled, there stood the Slayer, and her Watcher, and her mother, and the Slayerettes. The good guys won, like it should be.

I’m not saying that everything is like it was now, that can never be. But we’re ok now. We can all move on together.

10/10/98 – Willow

Giles got Buffy to tell both of us what happened before she ran away today. We were in the library and he kinda tricked her, but not really. He didn’t ask her straight out, and left her a way to not tell us the things she didn’t want to. It was all kinda sweet, how he got her to open up. It turns out we were right that she had to kill Angelus to stop the world from ending. What we didn’t know was that my spell worked. Just before the fight ended, the magic hit him and he was Angel again. But the portal had been opening for a long time by then, and she had to send him to hell anyway.

My feelings are confusing me right now. I’m happy I made the spell work, but I didn’t want to make everything worse for Buffy. At the time, all I wanted to do was save Giles and make it so she could have Angel back. I didn’t want her to have to kill the guy she loved. I know Giles feels bad for her, too. Even though he’ll never forgive Angel for everything he did, I know it hurts him to see Buffy sad and hurting.

It’s probably best not to talk about any of it for a long time. But it’s good to have her home again.

10/10/98 – Oz

You guys can’t tell from what she wrote, but Willow cried when she found me after she heard the news. I think we just need to remember that we’re all each other really have. We need to support Wil, and Buffy, and even still Giles. My guess is, soon it will be time to move on to the next big bad. Let’s hope everyone survives this one, and maybe comes out a little less scathed.

11/17/98 – Xander

As if Giles didn’t have enough to deal with these days with Mrs. ‘God save the Queen’ with the Union Jack shoved up her ass around… Today I had to give him news that I know he never expected to have to think about. I was on a mission in the cemetery tonight and I saw Angel, back from hell. So I follow him to see what evil he’s working on now, and I find him working on Buffy’s lips. What? WHAT!?! How could she do this to us? How could she do it to Giles? This is the guy that tortured him to within an inch of his life and she didn’t think the big guy would want to know he was lurking around out there. Sometimes it’s like she doesn’t even care.

I don’t know if it’s Angelus or Angel. I don’t know how she got him back. I don’t know why she thought getting all cuddly with him behind everyone’s back was the best idea. I don’t know if she’s thinking at all about the last time they got close. What I do know is that all of it feels like betrayal. And, I can even take her not trusting us. We’re a bunch of kids, what do we know? But the look in Giles’ eyes when I told him… All he’s ever done is support her and she can’t trust him with something so important? She had to know how much finding out would hurt him.

Well, we’re about to find out. It’s time for a little talk. You guys, I know Giles is here for Buffy, but I have to admit I love the guy. He’s the first one to ever trust me and believe in me. The first adult to care if I was here or not. And, after all we went through last summer, I’m not ashamed to say that I feel as protective of him as I do the rest of you. I love Buffy too, but when she hurts him it’s hard to just stand by and watch.

I’m putting the Watcher-Watchers on alert. This might be more than he should handle so soon.

11/17/98 – Willow

Our little intervention didn’t go too well. A lot of shouting and accusing and hurting of the feelings. I could tell Buffy didn’t want to hurt anyone. I can also understand being confused and not knowing what to do. But all the memories are still so fresh for many of us. The nightmares still come almost every night.

Giles was very quiet through the whole thing, until it got a little out of hand. Then he stopped it and sent everyone to class. I noticed Buffy didn’t follow us, so I hung back in case Giles needed someone. I couldn’t really hear what they said, but when Buffy rushed past she didn’t notice me. I was very quiet when I went back in and stood in the doorway to his office. He was sitting at his desk with his head bowed. Part of me didn’t want to disturb him, but I couldn’t make myself leave until I knew he was all right.

After a minute or two, he didn’t move, but quietly said, “I’m fine. Thank you, Willow.” He knew I was there all along. That’s when I got up the courage to walk in. He always says he’s fine, doesn’t mean he is. I stood beside him until he looked up at me. He tried to give me a little smile, but his eyes were so sad. All I wanted to do was reach out and wrap my arms around him, but I knew he wouldn’t let me. Not at the school, or even when he’s not drugged up or anything. I wanted to say something reassuring, but all I could do was offer a tiny smile of my own. I think he knew it meant we were still there for him.

A few moments later he spoke up again and said, “I’ll be fine, Cordy.” She had taken my place in the doorway. She gave him an odd look and said, “Sure you are.” Then, with a glance out into the library, she announced really loud, “Oh, hi Angel. Long time no see.” Giles’ eyes got really big and he went all pale. I yelled at Cordy that what she did was evil, but she said he had to know how he was going to react. Giles stopped our shouting and insisted he was fine, but he wasn’t. He had a sheen of cold sweat on his face and he was shaking. Not as bad as the other times, but still. Of course, he didn’t have any pills with him and insisted he could ride it out. After a few moments he seemed to get himself back under control.

As he took his handkerchief out to wipe his face and clean his glasses, Cordy started ranting about Buffy and all the drama she causes, and how she had to send Xander out to cool down and now with Giles. She was talking about how Buffy needed to know everything that happened and how she was gonna go explain it to her. That was when Giles said, “No!” It was a command, more insistent than he’s been in months. Then he explained to us that Buffy could never know. Neither of us understood why. He told us, “I’m her Watcher. I’m here to train Buffy, support her, give her the knowledge she needs to survive. I am not going to add to her burdens with worrying about me and things I should be able to handle. Not with my own weaknesses and failures.” We both wanted to argue about that, but his glare told us nothing would change his mind. When we both finally nodded, he told us that the other Watcher would be there soon and we should get to class.

I think I get it now, why he’s never told her anything. In fact, all of what we know are the things we figured out. He never sat down and told us the whole story. We know because we lived it with him. Giles needs us to see him as strong and reliable. He needs us to believe that he can protect us, because it makes it easier for him to believe it himself. And if he didn’t believe that, letting all of us be in danger would kill him inside. 

I realize now that Buffy can never read this journal. We were afraid that finding it might embarrass him, but Buffy finding it would be so much worse. She’ll never know how damaged he can be, how his body can be broken and his mind can be strained to snapping. He needs to remain an image to her, even if it’s one no human man can ever live up to.

I thought a lot about what to do with this book. The safest thing would be to destroy it, but I can’t bring myself to do that. It would be like pretending last summer never happened. But it did. It all happened to all of us and we got through it together. I, for one, am proud of that. So, I’m going to hide it. Somewhere in the stacks here at school where Buffy will never look. Behind a section Giles despises and will be loathed to touch. If any of the official Watcher-Watchers ask me, I’ll get it for them. If they need to remember, or need to write more… But I think it’s time to move on now. The past is done and we have a future to face. I’m just glad it’s one with both Giles and Buffy.

 

23.7.1999 – Rupert Giles

I have spent weeks going through the books we saved from the destruction of the library and school. Imagine my surprise at finding this buried in one of the boxes. I read the entire thing in one go. It was not easy, but I couldn’t lay it down. The memories it brought back are as clear as if it all happened yesterday, though it seems a lifetime ago. At the time I knew these children were looking after me, but I am shamed to say I had no idea it went to such an extent. I call them children, but, if anything, this diary proves that they haven’t been children for a very long time.

Jenny once told me I was lucky to have students who loved me. At the time, I believed she meant I had their respect. Now I suspect that she saw the whole situation much clearer than I did. People do not go to these lengths for teachers or even mentors. But they do for friends. To have such extraordinary young people consider me worth so great an effort fills me with emotions that… shall we say they push the limits of my “Britishness”.

I still wish Jenny was here to share my pride in them now. Every one of them have now graduated, surviving high school and the Mayor’s intended ascension on that day. They are moving into adulthood with grace and confidence. Buffy, Willow, and Oz will be attending the local university this fall. Willow and Oz having chosen, despite offers from institutions all over the world, to stay and help the Slayer continue to fight the evils of the Hellmouth. Xander has been traveling, using his youth and freedom to explore some of the world before he’ll return to also help the fight. And Cordeila has gone to start a new life in Los Angeles. I only hope evil will let her live in peace from now on. 

All of them have my eternal thanks for everything they did for me. And, in this book of secret feelings where they have expressed their love for me, I too put into writing the great affection I have for each and every one of them.

But now, Willow’s dilemma of so many months ago becomes mine. What should be done with this record of the events of one summer on the Hellmouth? I, too, considered destroying it. After all, it is filled with my own weaknesses and failures. It is a tad embarrassing being nursed by children and having your flaws spelled out by them in such stark detail. But to do that would be to belittle what they have done for me. I will not let their kindness be erased.

I have decided to keep this and include it with my own journal of the time. I know that Quinton and others of the Council would prefer it buried and not be revealed that Watchers are made of flesh and not stone. Considering they have sacked me, I don’t rightly give a damn what they think. It is my hope that some Watcher in the future might read this and realize that he doesn’t have to stand alone behind the Slayer. That having extra support is not a weakness or liability to either one. That great strength and love comes from the least expected places. And that, sometimes, even a Watcher needs watchers.


End file.
